1st away of the season, sees our intrepid Chairman triumph by exploring and solving the climate change conundrum and then fall mercilessly (literally – almost) from grace by ignoring all the advice from the 1970s public road safety campaigns in pursuit of a tenner.

Climate change: (this all stemmed from a discussion about how the ridiculous media were slating the “shoddy” workmanship of the Victorian builders of the dam which has been damaged, despite the fact they built the dam in 1835 with wheelbarrows, spades and forks, no heavy machinery at all… and it is/was still standing after 175+years, up until 3 days ago)

The Chairman: All this climate change crap, it’s all rubbish. These stupid scientists spouting on about the environment, just a bunch of clowns.

A: Eh?

Chairman: Well in the 70s we were all being told to expect another Ice Age. And if all this climate change is due to humans, what pollution did the cavemen do to cause the first Ice Age then?

A: Point taken

Chairman: Then scientists in the 80s told us the hole in the ozone layer was going to get bigger and we would be fried to a crisp by the year 2000 . What’s happened to that hole? Oh it’s gone now. We’ve cured it. Humans cured it.

A: Difficult to argue with that.

Chairman: And remember when all the cities had smog?

A: No! When were you born?

Chairman: No I do. I remember Smog. A thick layer of it, no one could breathe, you could just see it hanging there for ages, a cloud of it.

A: ?

Chairman: We cured it. There was no climate problems back in the olden days. Bring back Smog. Simple. I’m gonna get that on a T shirt – Bring Back Smog

The Lunch of Terror: Tufty Club badge holder? Hang your head in shame.

For some bizarre reason The Chairman chose to treat the first ex Knaresborough Branch Secretary, Dave Rowson to a romantic Chinese luncheon at our refreshment stop.

Why? Who knows? Maybe the traditional away day repast of ‘Spoons mixed grill or All Day Breakfast didn’t take The Chairman’s fancy yesterday? Who knows what goes on in the comms chair of The Chairmans brain?  Unfortunately, for reasons which don’t need to be expanded on, neither of them could tell us exactly what they ended up eating which kept us on tenterhooks for – oh at least 60 seconds. Eventually it transpired that whatever they did eat involved a lot of Tiger beer and rice. Special fried or just plain boiled, is anyone’s guess. However, on leaving the Chinese, The Chairman made a schoolboy error dealing with his change. The famous, normally infallible inside pocket, came a cropper and a gust of wind caught that tenner and whisked it out into the road. It was like a 70’s style public infomercial in slow mo. And, just like the very traffic unconscious children of the 70s, The Chairman just ran out into the road chasing after a fluttering tenner. (In the 70’s it wouldn’t have been a tenner, it would have been a ten shilling note. If a ten shilling note had fluttered into the road in the 70s the cars would have been run over by the crowd of people chasing it). A scene of astonishment, confusion and bewilderment ensued. With onlookers aghast, holding their breath at the impending carnage, perhaps the imminent demise of The Chairman. Oh No! What would his 4,000+ followers do? Reports were, that The Chairman weaved across the road in a completely rabid Benny Hill moment with the ghost of the now pensioner squirrel, Tufty, standing at the pavement’s edge screaming “Stop, Look and Listen – you fool, how hard is it to remember?”.

The Chairman is herewith no longer a member of the Tufty Club.

 

 

 

 

Lots of interesting ideas on the way to Ipswich yesterday. The 2nd row newcomer, front of the bus virgin, Paul from Junction 41 party, fitted in perfectly well and is welcome back at anytime. As long as someone makes sure he gets off at the right stop next time and doesn’t get abandoned by the rest of them.

Play Off Final Superstitions

The Chairman: Have you got anything that you need to replay

for the play offs?

A: Eh?

The Chairman: Last time we got promoted I was… (not allowed to say what The Chairman was doing)

A: So I can’t write that?

The Chairman: Oh no – definitely not

Rowsey: Last time we won the play offs I was at the zoo with the kids and we were watching this monkey wipe his…….

And that is the end of that conversation!

Fine food

Steve The Pedant: If I had to pick my last meal ever, my starter would have to be duck and pancakes

The Chairman: My favourite food is bananas and custard

A: Just bananas and custard?

The Chairman: Yes, best dessert ever

A: Not even as a banana split with ice cream and sprinkles?

The Chairman: No no. Just bananas and custard. They should have that on the menu at proper restaurants.

A: Just a banana sliced up and a carton of ambrosia chucked over it?

The Chairman: Proper food that.

Yorkshire Master Chef

The Chairman: These restaurants, they should be doing proper food, not that poncey rubbish.

Steve The Pedant: Yes, made with lots of butter

The Chairman: Like that James Martin does…. I’ll just finish it with a bit of butter, chucks a whole pack in it

The Secretary: Can’t beat a bit of butter

The Chairman: Proper food, like bread with a bit of dripping on it. Mucky fat.

Rowsey: I once went into a shop and the woman said I’ve only got a bit of dripping on’t left, I said what’s on’t right?

Pies Are Us

Junction 41 Paul: Can’t beat a Fray Bentos Pie

MPO: Ah! You need to speak to Dave about a Fray Bentos pie

Dave P: Nothing wrong with a Fray Bentos pie, I’ve got a stack of them at home. Can’t knock it, dinner for a quid.

Junction 41 Paul: I love a Fray Bentos pie, done just so the gravy is tipping over the edge and the lid is all crispy, even those pudding ones, have to have chips done in beef fat though

Dave P: Can’t be doing with those ones – too doughy for me

Junction 41 Paul: Fray Bentos pies and Super Noodles – can live off that, only food you need

Harrogate Masterchef

The Chairman: Why is it when they do Masterchef, they just seem to do rubbish that you’re never gonna eat?

Junction 41 Paul: Served with a beef jus

The Chairman: Yeah jus or foam

Junction 41 Paul: They should do a proper food masterchef. Fish finger pie and beans

A: Eh?

Junction 41 Paul: Honestly, seen it done, fish fingers in the middle. Mash around the outside , topped with beans.

A: What in a pie?

Junction 41 Paul: Yeah, fish finger pie

The Chairman: Imagine that on Masterchef… they’ll have carved individual beans for that

Junction 41 Paul: And covered it in jus

MPO: Pudding of bananas and custard flavoured foam

Ultimate masterchef

The Chairman: Imagine if you had someone on that show who did it properly.

A: Eh?

The Chairman: Contestants, you have an hour and a half to make a main course and a pudding. What will you be doing? Well, for my main course I’ll be doing a Fray Bentos pie and chips finishing with bananas and custard as pudding.

A: Eh?

The Chairman: Can you imagine? So what are you going to do with the rest of the hour and a half? Well, I’m going to put my feet up and watch the rest of you idiots piss about with your jus.

 

 

 

This weeks topical discussions include a mixture of O Level geometry and English, as well as the on going discussion of who The Chairman’s favourite cartoon characters were when he was growing up. Of course this implies that The Chairman has actually grown up…. Invited into the fray was the resident branch novelist, celebrated author Sonia, Ken, the man who’s aim it is to be in The Chairman’s inner circle and Steve The Pedant, who’s nemesis is citrus flavoured chocolate products.

Mathematical principles.

Q: So why is it that it is called an inner circle?

A: Eh?

Q: Why does it have to be an inner circle? What’s wrong with an inner square or a triangle? Even a rectangle?

A: Probably because inner rhombus just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Ring?? (drum roll and cymbal)

Q: But who decided it had to be a circle? What’s the point of a circle?

A: A circle doesn’t have a point, Charley, that’s why it’s called a circle. If it had a point it would be a pyramid.

Sonia: I knew a girl who went across a circle, she was called Di – Diameter

Ken: I knew a guy who just went halfway across, he’s called Ray – Ray Dius

A: I knew a Lord who went all the way round – they called him Sir , Sir Cumference.

The Chairman’s Inner Circle

Ken: So what do I need to do to get into your Inner Circle Charley?

A: My inner circle is closed now, there is only 4 people allowed.

Sonia: So there’s only 4 sides, so shouldn’t that be an inner square then?

CC: No, only four people, it is closed.

Ken: What if one of them leaves? How does another one get in if it is closed?

Sonia: Yes, what about the other 2996?

CC: No , these are my inner circle, not my followers, I have 3000 followers.

Sonia: So these 4 aren’t even your followers?

CC: No these are my inner circle.

Q: So none of your followers can be in your inner circle, then? What’s the point of that?

CC: It’s a circle, there is no point.

Cartoon Capers & Caricatures

CC: Which cartoon character would you go out with?

A: Eh?

CC: If you could go out with a cartoon character, who would it be?

A: It’s not something I have really put a lot of thought into actually. Why on earth would you think of something like that?

CC: No, just, without thinking, who would you go out with from a cartoon? What about Penelope Pitstop?

A: You’d have to deal with Peter Perfect and The Ant Hill Mob, so you wouldn’t get a look in there.

Steve: Jessica Rabbit

CC: No, she’s real, she’s not a proper cartoon character.

Steve: She’s not real, Charley.

CC: I thought about Wilma from the Flintstones, but she just shouts too much. You’d never get a moments peace.

Dave: What about Betty?

CC: Oh yes, Betty. No wonder Barney married her.

Citrus based chocolate products

(Victory Jaffa cakes were offered round after the game)

Steve: No thanks, I can’t stand them.

A: Eh?

Steve: I just don’t like them.

Q: But you eat oranges?

Steve: Yep

Q: You like chocolate?

Steve: Yep

Q: What about Terry’s chocolate orange? Tap It, Unwrap It?

Steve: Ugh

Q: Quality Street Orange Creme?

Steve: Even worse

Q: What’s up with you man?

Steve: I like both in isolation, just when the two are put together, can’t cope. And it’s not just oranges, it’s any citrus product in combination with chocolate

CC: Is that your Kryptonite then?

Steve: I suppose so

CC: Do you lose all your super powers in the presence of a Jaffa Cake?

Steve: I didn’t know I had any. If I had, I could break into your inner circle.

CC: Not if there were any Jaffa cakes nearby you wouldn’t.

thanks to googleimages for the picture of The Pedant’s kryptonite

 

 

 

 

There was much discussed on the way to Stoke, fortunately, I am not going to go through all of the stories though, as the tone was significantly lowered a few times too many.

Songs To Watch The World Go By

CC: This must be one of the best songs about Brexit and the EU.

A: Eh?

CC: Hotel California

A: Eh?

CC: Well, just listen to it.  It’s just the same as what’s going on now. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

A: Point taken

Food For Thought

CC: 10cc did my favourite song

Q: what’s that then Charley?

CC: You’re not in love. Great song

A: Not as good as Hotel California

CC: 10cc, what a brilliant name for a band. Do you know why they were called 10cc?

A: No, not really, kinda unusual.

CC: Well, it’s because it’s supposed to have something to do with the amount of “fluid” that comes out when you have sex.

A: Eh?

CC: You know when a man (the rest of this conversation has been redacted as too delicate for you, dear readers)

MPO: Brilliant. I am trying to eat my ham sandwich….. Cheers

CC: Did you have any mayo on that?

Lessons In Love

CC: All I had to do was post “The Perfect Year” by Dina Carroll, and it all fell into place

A: Eh?

CC: The Perfect Year – “I don’t need a crowded ballroom, everything I need is here”

A: Eh?

CC: “If you’re with me, next year will be, the perfect year”

A: Eh?

CC: It’s a classic, you don’t even need to say anything else. The song says it all

A: Is this the sure fire way to pick up women, Charley?

CC: Works for me, every time.

Charley’s Angels

Q: So who would be your favourite Angel then Charley?

A: Farah Fawcett Major. Has to be

Q: Wasn’t she replaced though?

A: Farah Fawcett, the other two weren’t anywhere near, couldn’t touch her.

Dave: I thought the one with the black hair was alright.

Steve: Kate Jackson, yeah she was ok

CC: No, Jaclyn Smith – she had the black hair

Dave: No Kate Jackson

CC: No, everyone’s favourite was Farah Fawcett Major

Steve: Isn’t she dead now?

Dave: Is she dead? How would you know if she is dead?

CC: Well she wouldn’t be moving would she? Go up to her and prod her.

MPO: Just Google it

CC: No honestly, you don’t need to google it. If she doesn’t move, it means she’s dead.

 

thanks to google images for the picture of Charlie’s Angels

Never known to shy away from the important business of the day, here are The Chairman’s observations from a trip to That London on Sunday.

Dua Lipa

Can you believe that we come all the way down to London and I get served by one of the most glamorous famous singers in the country?

Q: Who’s that then Charley?

A: Dua Lipa

Q: Who’s that then Charley?

A: Dua Lipa, one of the most beautiful singers in this country

Q: Who’s that then Charley?

A: Dua Lipa she sang New Rules, you know, her and Calvin Harris

Q: Who’s that then Charley?

(this goes on for a little bit in a similar rein)

Q: So are you saying that one of the biggest selling artists in British pop culture, has a Sunday job in Spoons and served you breakfast then, Charley?

A: Well no, but it did look a lot like her. Can’t believe you don’t know who Dua Lipa is.

Meaningless music

Q: Can you imagine Sting and The Police go up and do a gig in Scotland and they get introduced on stage as “The Polis”

A: Eh?

Q: Like what can you believe what these old bands got away with in the 80’s?

A: Eh?

Q: Well, can you imagine if nowadays someone released a song title that was just a load of old nonsense?

A: Eh?

Q: De do do do, de da da da, that’s all I want to say to you. That’d get slammed on social media.

A: It’s a good song that.

Q: Imagine if I put that up on facebook as my status – de do do do, de da da da, everyone would just laugh

A: No comment

 

The song lyrics have been investigated for this piece, and lo and behold, Sting actually had an important message in the title, please see link below.

I am not casting any judgement about how pretentious Sting was (is) but anyone who saw Dune might understand where I am coming from..

https://www.songfacts.com/facts/the-police/de-do-do-do-de-da-da-da

 

Thanks to nightflight.com for this picture, not sure how many people will be thanking me for reminding them how bad he was though

http://nightflight.com/i-will-kill-him-david-lynchs-dune-featured-stings-brief-appearance-in-flying-underpants/

 

 

 

Festive theme to the Chairman’s chatter at Bolton last week. The burning question on the Chairman’s lips……

Q: What would be your ideal Christmas gift?

A: Euromillions lottery win

Q: No, if you were to choose what gift you got from the three wise men, what would it be?

A: Gold

Q: You can’t choose gold, because everyone would choose gold, has to be frankincense or myrrh

A: Not much of a choice there then. Presume can’t have Frankenstein, that would be an excellent gift.

Q: ?

A: Great bodyguard, see off King Herod’s lot

Q: No. What would you prefer? Frankincense or myrrh? What is myrrh anyway?

A: Some sort of perfume oil thing, are you sure I can’t have Frankinstein?

Q: No, what’s frankincense then?

A: Another perfume thing, it’s probably worth a lot of money

Q: Why would you give that to a baby? That’s probably the most inappropriate gift for a baby. What’s it going to do with perfume?

A: Given He was born in a stable, crib for a bed, don’t think he was particularly choosy about what he got. Probably really grateful

Dave Rowson: See how much you can get it for on Ebay. Oh look £5.99 for frankincense

Chairman: Well that’s not worth it then

A: Perfume was very expensive in those days, probably would have got a lot more for it. There’s some sort of whale blubber product that goes into making perfume, that’s worth a lot of money

Chairman: How’s he going to get whale blubber?

A: I don’t think the three wise men had whale blubber, they crossed the desert.

Chairman: Still better than a pair of socks I suppose