For a number of seasons now, those words “Real Fans Don’t Discriminate” have been clearly visible on the scoreboard at ER.

The first incarnation I found on google was the above picture from 2023. Recently, the “real fans don’t” phrase, is emphatically used as the introductory mantra which tells us what we can’t / shouldn’t do.

To spare you squinting or shading your eyes, in one of the four days per year that we have sunshine. In summary, that poor excuse for a scoreboard says, real fans don’t use discriminatory language, take any illegal drugs, chuck stuff or run on the pitch nor use pyros. Real fans don’t do any tragedy chanting etc. etc.

Basically, in the 21st century sanitised era of English football, real fans don’t do anything that harms the brand. Real fans all look the same, eat the same, sound the same. Identical grounds, uniform layouts. One fat homogenous blob. That’s what they want. But, want never gets.

What we do,do,do

Please don’t get me wrong, some of the language at football is quite frankly appalling. I’m not trying to excuse or condone any of it. But most of what is said, is purely reactionary, on the spur of the moment. In the main, joining in with the rest of the crowd. After all, in essence, football is tribal. Them against us.

Some of the new songs are to catchy tunes from yesteryear. Some are quite cleverly done, capturing the essence of the moment. Spontaneity at it’s best. Spontaneous yet ephemeral. Basically as ephemeral as our squad, sometimes, especially under certain managers.

However, some have lasted the test of time, in some instances decades. For example, Imre. Imre Varadi. Imre Varadi. Dom Matteo. Scored an excellent goal, etc. The Gaetano song to the tune of Abba’s Voulez Vous. Not forgetting, the old nursery rhyme, the animals went in two by two, morphing into Enoch Showumni, United’s 21.

The majority isn’t chanting in aggression or malice. It is just banter. Drunken, or “other ” substance fuelled, witty repartee. I disagree that it is discriminatory or inflammatory. Some of it is childish and in poor taste. Some is just sad frustration. Things said on the spur of the moment, and usually regretted within 24 hours or when sober.

What we don’t do

Contrastingly, we just don’t do patience. “I am prepared to wait and see how the season pans out before I start calling for the heads of the Manager / Board” said no Leeds fan EVER.

Only a tiny minority of Leeds fans have got what it takes to stand back and take a measured view. Many have been beaten into submission by the years, nay decades of the proverbial ups and downs. Despite the perpetual shoulder shrug, “Leeds have to do it the hard way” platitudes, most, if not all seasons, it’s do as I say, not do as I do. It’s hard being a Leeds fan.

Take Luton the other week for instance. I WISH I’d filmed that, just so I could put it on noseybook to shame them all. We drew against a desperate side, fighting to stay up.

Unlike last season, we didn’t fold. We got a draw. You’d have thought we’d just lost 3-0 and Farke had killed a load of puppies, such was the venom at the front of the away end. Grown adults crying that we’d thrown away the league. People screaming Farke Out and shouting some real abuse at our players. People fighting with each other.

Tanake apparently took it really badly. I’m not surprised. So far this season, our Japanese Jack Russell has enjoyed the spoils of midfield domination. But the toll of long international trips and Rothwell getting injured, has recently reared it’s ugly head.

But a week later, and it’s all change. You just couldn’t make it up.

Real fans?

Real fans. What does that actually mean though?

If I were to do the AI trend thing of plastic toy models, what would a “real” Leeds fan look like? Would we get a miniature Mick Hewitt? Or a double pack of Big and Little Mick Hewitts? Does anyone fancy doing it for a laugh? I genuinely wouldn’t know where to start! Someone do it, and put it on noseybook please.

What is a real fan?

No one knows. It means different things to different people. I have written essays on this before, so I’m not wasting time repeating myself. All it does is create arguments and division within the Entitled who continual bicker between themselves to justify why they think they are the better fan.

Why does it matter?

Personally, this is the main issue. It does matter who the “real fans” are. I have written far too many blogs on why “Fans matter”. It’s not just me either.

Look at the ESL debate a few years ago. If not for the protests from fans of all clubs, we might well have PL teams playing in a European Super League right now. It still may happen, but temporarily we don’t.

If not for facebook / twitter / social media, we currently might have a shirt with THAT abomination on it.

In the famous words of a recent famous White “weird,weird, weird”

Fans matter. But which fans? How do you choose which fans opinions you listen to? Because, as sure as eggs are eggs, not all fans will think the same. And, concurrently, not all will want the same thing.

If we knew what we want

This is a vague reference to one of Chairman Charleys favourite singers, Susannah Hoffs. She is in the Bangles. They did a song – if she knew what she wants.

If only the people who make the decisions knew what we want.

Digital tickets

We were told that because of Covid, everyone had got used to doing everything on their phones. We were told everyone wanted digital tickets, and also to save money and be a bit greener, the Club would no longer do paper tickets / season ticket cards. Digital tickets reduce ticket touting, they said. I have no problem with people wanting digital tickets, but the season ticket card should always have been an option. I would pay to have mine back.

Tech

Technology just wasn’t that good in real life though. The turnstile I used was so intermittent and inconsistent, it was a real trial to get in on matchday. Many people struggled with that turnstile. User error / device incompetence was blamed, and many many emails bounced to and fro. Ticket office staff were despatched to the turnstile to “facilitate” us. Eventually, they admitted it didn’t work. Woo hoo, we have a new turnstile!

The latest debacle with the introduction of the 80% rule (talk about that later), the turnstile technology has again been thrown into doubt. One season ticket holder went to the YEP, as apparently ccTV proved he had attended the sufficient number of games. According to our Club, he had not. I’m not sure why he would lie. Buying a season ticket isn’t exactly cheap.

There are other cases where season ticket holders have been told they haven’t attended enough games, even though they know they have. Are we ready for digital ticketing? Or do we need to wait until the technology improves, so it is consistent. Remember a few seasons ago, Arsenal fans were all locked out at the 1st game of the season.

Ticket touting? Not got any better, in fact, now that they are digital instead or paper, it is worse.

Ticketing website

As for Seatgeek, don’t even get me started. My trustpilot review would be less than one star. Checkout issues being the main problem. How many people had problems with Wembley play off tickets? Too many to mention. Come back queueing at the West Stand please, all is forgiven!

Season ticket pricing difference

For those of us who have had season tickets for a while, the renewal price might be a bit of a shocker. By the way, you don’t actually know your renewal price until you log in. Even then, you have to “add a card” (even if you have saved cards), get a bank transaction of £0.00 done, before you can renew. I digress. It’s a bit of a shocker this season, if you are a long standing ST holder.

If you only bought a season ticket around about the Bielsa Era, it isn’t as much apparently. However, if you bought one quite recently, the renewal price is apparently in line with inflation.

Why is this? The newer (perhaps more important and valued) ST holders moaned to our current custodians that they had to pay more than someone who was sat next to them. If only the current custodians just turned round and told them that we deserved to pay less because we had stood by the Club whilst others didn’t. Maybe if they had said, “frankly putting up with p*ss poor passing and abysmal shooting, deserves a bloody medal, let alone cheaper season tickets”, things would be different.

Yellow shirt

For literally a decade, we have wanted a yellow away shirt. For literally a decade, we were told, no one wants to buy a yellow shirt. We had puce pink, lilac, WYPT bus seats, stilton cheese, baby blue. Everything but yellow. This season we got a yellow shirt. I don’t even need to say anything else. It’s the best selling shirt ever. Hmmm.

Refreshments

Everyone wants to do everything on their phones. Cash is for dinosaurs. Order your poison on the McDs screens, it’ll be waiting for you. Many do not buy anything in the ground anymore.

Last week at Boro they must have raked in loads. Cash or cards.

Honestly, impulse buying plays a massive part in food and drink sales. When you are standing in that queue for your Bovril and someone goes past you with a pie and pint, all of a sudden the urge to get the same takes over. At Boro you get parmos, and very tasty looking chips and gravy / curry. I could really tell, but it smelt damn good. I wasn’t even hungry or thirsty, but I joined in once the aroma overcame me. How much money is our Club losing out on?

80% attendance

Regular attendance to ensure that the ground is filled isn’t necessarily a bad thing. No one wants to see an empty ground. Apparently, people are always desperate for a home ticket.

We don’t always sell out though (see above). Perhaps people are always desperate for tickets for matches they can get to. But not so always desperate on a Wednesday night in winter? Bit harsh, maybe?

Perhaps there could be a distinction between non attendance of regular fans v corporate fans? Certainly, if the West Stand does become majority corporate tickets, THAT would be interesting to see on  cold Tuesday night in November.

In the old days every seat sold was counted in the attendance records. A massive surprise in that season that West Ham fans boycotted home games, yet recorded big crowds, despite rafts of empty seats.

However, in the era of FFP, every filled seat counts. As does every shirt and other piece of tat. But then maybe if you allowed people to buy at the ticket office on the day / night, without needing a membership, it might help? Social media can quickly spread the word of seats still available. Tourists / walk ins might be useful? Better than going through a tout.

But to enforce an 80% rule is poor. What happens if you are unwell? What happens if work rings you and says you have to go in? In these times of austerity, people would struggle to say no. A season ticket is a seat purchased. End of discussion.

Email addresses

Every season ticket holder  / member needs an email address. Even if you are a member who probably doesn’t ever stick a chance of getting a ticket (home or away). Not everyone has the time or wherewithall to get on that website to get a ticket. Seriously – yes it still does happen. Especially away tickets. Regardless of age, a separate email address is needed. Even if a concerned ST parent does want a ST child to have an email address, there needs to be an email address. Why? It can only be for data harvesting.

If you are a parent and you pay for your childrens ST, is it really necessary for your children to provide a separate email address to Leeds? Evidently, it is. Despite recent concerns re on line safety in young children, that email is necessary. The digitally excluded don’t even get a nod. Apparently they don’t exist!

Know your price

With A1 / logarithms etc, knowing how much our season ticket should be easy. Each of us got sent an email, but it did not tell us how much the ST was. It’s not as if we were rocking up to the ticket office with a wad of cash, waiting for someone with a calculator to work it out. But you have to navigate that website, add a card and make a payment of £0.00 first. If you don’t like it, don’t worry the Club isn’t bothered. There’s 25k others wanting your seat. As for paying for your season ticket in cash at the ticket office…..

1st and last game loyalty

In years gone by, it used to be the case that the first and last games of the season were ring fenced for loyal fans. Loyal fans were prioritised. Seriously, this is what used to happened. The 1st and last games were always the ones that would be guaranteed sell outs, so your loyalty counted.

Loyalty

Once upon a time loyal or legacy fans were prioritised. Now, ostensibly, we are at best ignored, at worse resented, perhaps even treated with contempt. Not particularly disliked, just resented for being part of a history that isn’t relevant to current custodians, but will always be an uncomfortable reminder of what once was.

Once upon a time, our Club recognised and acknowledged that those legacy fans would be die hard enough to keep showing up, no matter how crap we played. When the average attendances plummeted after successive relegations, we stood by. Hopefully this will never be repeated. Regardless, we will still be there, whereas the one season wonders may not.

Parity

Seemingly at the Luton away game, our (current) CEO Mr Kinnear was seen handing out / offering fans tickets before the game outside Kenilworth Road. Given the tiny allocation, hardly any long standing fans actually got tickets to that game in the on line sales. But there he was, randomly handing out tickets. If those tickets were not being used, would it have been any hardship to put them back on sale on the website for loyal fans to buy and pick up on the day?

So much for the insistence that tickets should only go to people who have paid for Club membership. What happened to the rule that every ticket should be able to be traced back to it’s legal owner for safety reasons?

Again, after the Preston game, one of our owners was in Billys Bar and announced a free bar. How lucky the ones in Billys were. How unlucky the rest of us! Right time, right place? Just lucky.

Real v reality

Our Club claim that it wants Real fans. It is on the side of Real fans, because it listens to Real fans.

In that case, why in reality, is so much going on that a lot of fans are not happy with?

Well, I suppose we have finally got a yellow away shirt.

Are the “Real fans” the Club refers to, akin to the comparison drawn between astronauts like Helen Sharman and the “Real astronauts” like Katy Perry and the rest of the Entitled Smurf Space cadets?

Rich celebrities doing something, dressed up to the nines, on a big day out, just to say that they are Real and putting it on Social Media to prove that they are?

Is the gap between what the Club deem as real fans and what the actual fans are THAT big?

March 2025 sees us start with a draw against West Brom.

It was back to playing the ball out from the back again, but given our two games against Sunderland and T’Blades, it’s not so bad. It is still average 2 points per game.

Monthly branch meeting

This was held on Sunday March 2nd at the Londesborough Club. The usual minutes from the LUSC execs were read out, as well as the SAB minutes and notes. The Football Governance Bill is still being discussed in Parliament. It is now at the House of Lords at the Report Stage. Dave says that he isn’t sure whether anything will change as there is so much money involved. There is always hope that it might stop another Bury event, but remember, it is the hope that kills.

There was a discussion regarding the pre-season friendlies. Angus was evidently in with the away fans at T’Blades and was apparently hinting about a trip to Helsinki and then a game against Sc*m or Rangers. We weren’t sure if this was before or after he went to the bogs at half time, and if anyone had offered him anything. I’d hazard a guess that until the actual pre seasons are announced, there isn’t any point planning anything. Given it is still March 2025, there is plenty of time to plan.

Away games

There’s been a dearth of tickets lately. It is basically luck of the draw in all the sales. we just haven’t been very lucky! Despite being 120 in the queue for QPR, the cupboard was bare! Bear in mind, we used to get that whole end for QPR (crap view that is is) but the allocation’s now restricted due to QPR not selling the lower tier anymore. Apparently we are also being limited by previous bad behaviour. We are managing to pick up passengers requiring travel, so funds are ok as it stands. But with Luton and Oxford looming imminently, the bank is going to be severely depleted by April. Luckily, we decided not to run a bus to Plymouth ages ago.

Memberships

We will be looking to stop memberships at the end March, as the season will hopefully be drawing to a close by then. The website is still attracting members. If there is more stuff on there to read, it may prove even more valuable. Hint to anyone who wants to contribute articles / pieces!!!

A.O.B

The quiz!

Thank you for everyone who has got back to us. The LUSC Annual Quiz is a good laugh and there will be a raffle for a signed Leeds shirt from 2016/17 donated by our President Josh Warrington. The teams are as follows:

Chairman Charley, Steve Smith, Dargs and Acid

Andy Yates, Rob Cartman, Ricky Greenwood and James Proctor

The Tovey and Barry team

Smuff, Max Littlefair, Ben Simpson and possibly Paul Ingles

Ripon Mark, Leoni and Jane Parkin and Maz (or Emily if he can’t make it)

The Secretary, gdb, Dave Poole and Peter Hart

Ripon Kev, Jordan, Morro and Adam (Dougie’s lad) from Ripon.

Sponsorship Hospitality Tickets

Still awaiting confirmation, but hopefully, it’s the Swansea game on Saturday 29th March 2025 3pm. SkyTVisf**kings**t have announced their televised games, and it isn’t one of them. Tickets available from Andy or The Secretary at £1 each. Will draw the winner nearer QPR game. Good luck everyone!

Annual Summer BBQ

We will discuss at the next meeting and speak with Trish to see what availability the Londesborough have.

Season tickets

There was something on the Leeds website on Friday. No one has actually clicked on yet to see how much they are. Last year they told us they would be going up again to “equalise” the pricing. I take it it means making things level as opposed to Edward Woodward’s The Equaliser from the 80s or the Denzel Washington latest versions. At least that would make it interesting!

It’s that time of year again! Comes around quickly, doesn’t it? But yes, it’s here again!

That time of year, when there will be much heated debate amongst people who stand shoulder to shoulder with you at games. Time when the keyboard warriors will hurl insults, left, right and centre in a bid to prove they are right. A time when simple banter will become such a ferocious war of words, it will make finding the solution for World Peace a doddle.

Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. It’s season ticket renewal time!

ppp

Don’t get me wrong, most of us dread it, but equally eagerly look forward to it. Desperately, at times, anticipating the ritual that many of us have gone through for decades. Accepting, with relish to paying our annual dues to the harsh mistress that is Leeds United. Our one love who gives us so much joy, yet punishes us with so much misery.

In days gone by, you used to go to that big jar of coins that you collected over the season. More often than not, the result of emptying your pockets on a Sunday morning. Then when we got paper notes, it was coins and green / blue paper. For the tech savvy clever folk, a creation of a fund in the bank . I actually remember doing that once – a season ticket standing order! Which I emptied on the last day of the season to pay for next year. Yes, it was the last day of the season that I used to pay for it.

£££

Then came B*tes. We were skint. The football was rubbish. B*tes rubbed salt into the wound and made us pay up in January. Cold comfort at least for those loyal fans who paid £500 or £5000 for their 10 / 20 year bonds up front to help keep Leeds United afloat. Some of whom were forced from their nice seats on the half way line to make room for the B*tes corporate boxes in the Magnificent New East Stand. In exchange for them coughing up their hard earned £££ up front, they got a season ticket for 10/20 years at a cheaper rate.

By today’s standards, taking into account inflation, there would be NO One bar a small nation state who would or could, do that now. Build a new stand, I mean, not keep a club afloat! But, building a new stand by asking supporters to stump up the cash? It is never going to happen again. It would be the modern day equivalent of the Gen Z choosing between Leeds United or putting down a deposit for a mortgage. And the rest!

$$$

It’s irrelevant now, the world has changed. Football is unrecognisable nowadays. Things have moved on. Our beloved game is still about 22 men trying to stick a ball in the back of the net, but everything around it is different.

The off field activity is far more prominent now, and some would say, as much of a money spinning venture as the 90 minutes on the pitch. Yes, going / staying up is vital, but then again so is the corporate image of the global brand. Whether this will go hand in hand, and a happy, balanced partnership can be reached, is up for debate.

Take a look at the top teams in the PL. How happy are the fans? How united are the fans? No pun intended. Has the demand from the shareholders and owners got to the point where the desire of the fans been eclipsed? What do the satisfaction surveys show? Are the fans and the owners on the same page? Is the hymn sheet intact or torn into shreds?

₿₿₿

Is truly football about the fans?

Given the decision to get rid of concession ticket prices at some of the bigger PL clubs, I would say no.

https://thstofficial.com/press-release-support-our-petition-to-stop-the-erosion-of-senior-concession-tickets/

Spurs isn’t the only example of clubs refusing to have concession prices. The greed has no bounds.

Time and time again, when discussions about ticket prices come up, the Bundesliga example rears it’s head. For the PL owners, it’s an ugly head. Fancy the Germans treating its football fans better than the PL does. How dare the Bundesliga embarrass the PL by having reasonably priced tickets? The PL is the best league in the world isn’t it?

Yet it, and the British FA chooses to allow its fans to be ripped off by extortionate ticket prices, especially if you live in London. Even though the fans and the PL / FA know full well that ticket sale monies are a drop in the ocean compared to the revenue from advertising, sponsorship and TV rights.

https://thefsa.org.uk/news/fsa-writes-to-pl-calling-for-ticket-price-freeze/

As you can see, it is rampant. Thanks to FSA website for below photo.

Fairness

In our case however, some of the issues regarding season ticket pricing has been actually caused by our own fans. Our own fans who don’t accept the value of us “legacy” fans. The main reason why our season ticket prices have gone up again is because our new fans were complaining that someone sat next to them was paying less for their seat than they were. So to “equalise” this, the Club have chosen to increase our prices to appease them. Rather than saying tough to the 5,000 whingers, they chose to make the 20,000 legacy fans pay more. Reset and realign. Marching on together, further standardisation and sanitisation continues.

Monthly updates have been scarce. Apologies. Here is the February 2025 update / info from previous monthly branch meetings.

Monthly branch meeting February 2nd 2025

Exec minutes read out and SAB reports.

LUSC sponsored player is now Isaac Schmidt, seeing as Charlie Crew is now at Donnie and Harry Gray wasn’t an allowable option. Leeds United are going to start asking fans re stadium new build, keep eye out for emails etc. Annual quiz will be March on a Thursday night (see AOB). Last year the place was full to bursting, so LUSC need to confirm numbers to ensure enough seating and food. No info yet if there will be any opportunity to do an Thorp Arch children’s event as in previous seasons.

SAB – feedback from Manor Solomon chant, police and EFL say no hate crime etc. but Leeds don’t want people to sing it and season ticket wait list. Club saying not all seats are being filled at home games , so desperate to get bums in seats – sorry get more revenue in from people buying tat from the Club shop and overpriced food and drink. They are warning that you will lose your S/T if you don’t transfer on to a F & F or at least sell it back to the Club if you can’t go / get stuck in traffic. Apparently, even if you seat doesn’t get sold, you will still get some money back, so if you can’t make it, just return it.

Memberships

Numbers still increasing, some from website and some from LUSC website. Need to set a closing date for memberships. We need to set up a meeting with the Membership Secretary soon to retrieve the forms. Reminder that membership forms need to be filled in, and subs paid EVERY year.

Away games

Due to the paucity of tickets, it has been a challenge for some games. Hence the need to raise money re raffles / footie card etc. We will try run buses to every game, bar Plymouth at the end of the season. We will try to get seats on other buses for Plymouth away for members who succeed in getting tickets / away season ticket holders. Pompey will be a struggle. As will Oxford, Luton etc. As of February 2025, realistically there’s probably only Boro left with a decent allocation. We urge EVERYONE to try to log on and get their own tickets, as many hands make light work! We haven’t been doing so well lately. We will still try, but with us doing well, there are more people wanting to go. Even with the likes of T’blades charging £40+.

A.O.B.

Sponsorship

As of February 2025, we are now the proud sponsor of Josuha Guilavogui. The decision had to be taken rather quickly, so The Secretary and gdb took that decision, but it was agreed at a previous meeting that we could. He seems like a nice bloke, I think he donates most of his wages to a orphanage in Guinea in West Africa.

Josuha Guilavogui Foundation

Although he hasn’t started a game yet, he has come on as sub a few times. He might not be here very long, but we haven’t lost a game that he has played in, long may that continue.

As part of the hospitality there may be opportunities to go to an event at ER and of hopefully some Hospitality tickets, which we will open out to all members as usual.

LUSC Annual Quiz

It will be held at ER on Thursday 13th March. Usual pie and pea supper and quiz. I need potential players and team names please asap. I think the Smuff and Littlefair brothers combo did best from our branch last year. Probably as they were sober (or at least the most sober, most of the night). It is a good do. You get to see people who you see at football normally and get to have a chat with some of them. So we would encourage you to attend. It’s the taking part that counts – not the winning! Although that doesn’t negate from people doing a bit of revision! The branch will help towards transport costs and the first round if you get a receipt.

Fundraising

Anyone with any ideas for fundraising, please get in touch. The branch is not for profit, anything we make gets churned back into the branch for events like the quiz, the annual BBQ and any other events that we can organise. We also aim to donate to St Michaels and the Christmas Day event that Bruce Reid organises in Knaresborough. The Alan Sutton event was excellent the other year, as was the 40th anniversary event. I’m sure Andy Yates would appreciate any help. Please try to participate in the raffles / etc.

Monthly branch meeting

This is held on the 1st Sunday of the month (unless we are playing). Please try to attend if you can. This is the only way to keep up to date with what the branch / LUSC etc is doing, and it is your chance to contribute. Not everyone is on social media / contactable, and we are really struggling with away tickets, so just turn up if you can please.

Memberships

PLEASE remember you need to renew EVERY year by filling in a membership form and pay subs (as required). You cannot participate in the events if you are not a member. One form, once a year. That is all. It has been like this every year. For ages.  If you aren’t on the email list, you ned to let us know. Or at least give us a postal address.

We are NOT a ticket service though. We can help you order tickets if you are a F & F and cannot navigate the website, but that is the only way. We try to run a bus to most / all away games, tickets permitting. Tickets are not that easy to come by anymore, now that we are doing well. 10 years ago, away tickets were not a problem. But that was because we were crap, and no one wants to go back to those days ever again.

 

 

 

 

Robots.

For many, the word robot conjures up some man made, mechanical machine with flashing lights. Similar to 80s favourite of yesteryear, “Ready, Steady, are you set? For Metal Mickey?”

Another fave was the ever protective robot from the classic Lost In Space.

Danger Will Robinson. Yes, the photo is black and white – it’s how things were in the old days!

However, the word robot doesn’t come from some technological textbook. The origin comes from a 1920s Czech play R.U.R – Rossums Universal Robots by Karel Capek. Robot is derived from an old Church Slavic word “robota” meaning servitude, forced labour or drudgery. In the play, Rossum is a scientist who discovers how to create humanoid machines to help the whole world and mankind in general. Another scientist decides to improve on them by giving them more humanlike traits. Eventually the machines take over.

Similar to Skynet from Terminator, I suppose. I’ve ruined the plot of the play for you now, sorry.

What robot?

Why am I on about robots? Robots were just designed to do repetitive, menial tasks to make life easier and more convenient for humankind, weren’t they? Surely this is a footballing blog?

Well, for the first time ever, I was moved to agree with that goliath from the world of footballing punditry, Gary Neville. Remember him? He used to play for some insignificant football team, and now preaches about how we should behave, whilst doing the opposite thing. Qatar World Cup, Gary. Qatar.

Agreeing with the enemy.

Towards the end of some PL game on SkyTVisf**kings**t a few months ago, the home side was losing at 80 minutes. Rather than going for it and trying to get an equaliser to save face (or God forbid a win!), they just passed it around between the full backs and the goalie. Sound familiar? Nev lost his rag and started saying “just go forward and at least try to get a result” etc. etc. Finishing off his tirade with the words “they’re just like a load of robots”.

Sadly, this is the dire situation we are in. It’s not just us, most of modern football is played like it is on paper. Artificial, possession based (to the point of obsession) tippy tappy football. Plays and positions are drilled into players, replacing the vision, flair and creativity that all young footballers begin with. Basically most of PL teams do play like a load of robots.

Standardisation, sanitisation and sterilisation

I feel that these are the words which reflect the game today. Certainly at PL and EFL levels it is. I don’t watch much lower league football. Hope springs eternal that it is not going the same way though.

Everyone and everything needs to be the same, lest it be deemed an unfair advantage, or disadvantage depending on how you see it. Apart from FFP of course, which can be manipulated into anything to gain the advantage, as long as you have the right lawyers and money (Leicester City) to do so.

Standardisation.

If you look at an PL ground the dugouts basically look the same. Same seats, same layout, same coaching team, doing the same encroaching out of the area. The pitch is the same sand mass with a turf topping, sprayed extra green to look good. You have the same water sprayers, turned on at the same time in all weathers, under the same floodlights. Camera angles on the telly are identical. The wraparound stadia are practically mirror images of each other. Each carefully crafted by computer modelling, to get the best spectacle when viewed on the telly and designed for optimal ambience.

However the atmosphere at these grounds, especially when home teams are losing, is dreadful. Generally, it’s the usual suspects of Arsenal and Spurs, whose fans seem to turn on the team and manager without hesitation. Although, how many times have we in the Championship sung “Duh, duh, duh. Football in a library”? Semantics really, over the last few decades, but moreso in the last few years, the atmosphere in all grounds has deteriorated.

Sanitisation.

Basically fans are all encouraged (or influenced) to sing similar songs, to similar tunes, whichever happens to be on trend. Luckily, Marching On Together isn’t replicated anywhere else, but there’s time! We aren’t allowed to, or should I say, we are “actively discouraged” from singing about certain things or using certain language in case it offends. Football banter, in it’s purest form of spontaneous ferocity, just simply isn’t acceptable in 21st century soccer. We all have to be mindful of fans who don’t have the same mindset apparently. Not everyone can take a joke or even see things as a joke.

There’s no denying that there are some choice words heard in the stands, but the heyday of hooliganism in the 70s and 80s has long passed. Long gone are the days when what was said with discrimination and venom on the terraces, was utterly meant, and sometimes followed through after the game. We have moved on now.

But, banter isn’t banter anymore, it’s carefully researched, intensively rehearsed, scripted nonsense. Manufactured fakery at it’s best. That’s why Match of the Day is best watched on catch up, so you can fast forward and skip the punditry. Correspondingly, at least the EFL show has done away with Colin and now  just shows actual football. It’s much better that way. Cringeworthy Colin has ruined Countdown, by the way. I watch that on live pause now, so I can fast forward him and Riley’s terrible rehearsed repartee. Honestly, you can see the tumbleweeds rolling past poor Susie Dent in dictionary corner.

Sterilisation.

Undoubtedly, the future is bleak for common or garden fans but bright orange for those who want to be guaranteed the exact “immersive” experience on the box. Week in , week out, whether it’s a dull 0-0, or 7 goal bonanza, with the two hours of pre match build up but severely lacking in any decent actual commentary during the 90 minutes. Identical playing formations, uniform set pieces, analogous defending (defence) and corresponding attacking (offence). One big fat homogenous blob, with the tacky bonus of a light show if you are at Norwich or Sunderland. However, those OTT fire burners at Molyneux are toasty warm at the front of that stand in winter! Bonus.

Team full of robots

Consequently, we might as well be fielding a team full of robots.

Why? Because that is what is expected of modern football, and that is what we want, isn’t it? At least that is what they, as in PL, FL, EFL, think. (Add in the potential European Super League promoters FIFA and UEFA, and that list will read like a multinational criminal syndicate!). This, despite the fact that every player is a complete individual, and undeniably will react randomly at any given moment. They think that  observers (aka fans) deserve certainty and predictability for their money. Surely?

Choosing the robots

Consider a team full of Benders. I mean the lovable rogue, alcohol swilling, cigar smoking, “bite my shiny metal a*s”, wrong un robot from Futurama, of course.

It’d be like a team full of Klichys! Woohoo!

If you have never watched Futurama, apologies, you won’t understand the analogy. Just look at the pictures and imagine it. Bender is a robot who bends things, hence Bender. Self explanatory really. If you’ve never seen Futurama – just forget it!

Should you count replicants as robots, you could have 11 Rutger Hauers. This would technically mean a team full of Battys. Obviously Roy Batty was the name of his character in Bladerunner, not David Batty. Apologies to the film lovers reading this who know that analogy, not everyone knows Rutger Hauer was a Roy.

Robots like these would be the antitheses of the statisticians who want nice heat mapped, percentage based passing, interceptions and AI calculated xG. With these robot teams the metrics would be terrible! Not all robots can be like the NS-5s in Isaac Asimov’s classic , I, Robot. Incidentally, the Will Smith film was set in 2035, so there’s still 11 years to go for US Robotics to design and make preprogrammed, humanoid efficiency machines for the betterment of society. Hooray.

However, a team full of Benders or Battys would make great edge of your seat viewing, for those who prefer excitement and unpredictability. Otherwise known as flair, footballing knowledge and being able to read a game.

Raison D’Etre

Again, apologies to those with French O level, raison d’etre, loosely translated as “reason for being”. The message today, during the International break, is simply that I miss the old days. I hate this new modern game and I hate all the anti football commercialism that comes with it. Money, agents, corporate glad handing, advertising, gambling and shiny shinyness etc. etc.

Glory Days

I’m so lucky to have been brought up with the greats of Pele, Zico and Romario and of our own, great Don Revie side. Firstly, our Leeds United glory years, albeit on the telly / videos for me, but not for some. The names need no mention, just the word – legends. No need for expert dieticians and sports scientists for them. Two games per week, pitches like ploughed fields and tackles with actual pointy studs were swiftly dealt with, by a couple of pints and a ciggie at half time.

Secondly, what a wealth of extraordinary talent we used to see when the qualifiers were on. It used to be just midweeks and there were less countries in those days. Remember, we rarely saw foreign players on England soil, until Ossie Ardilles came to Spurs in the 70s. The likes of Cruyff, Toshack, Maradona and Platini were only seen a few times a year, and it was great! Of course, I know there were some decent German players in those days, but for obvious reasons, Rummenigge, Muller, Roth and that cheat Beckenbauer hardly deserve a mention.

Mavericks and rule breakers

They were true mavericks of the game. They didn’t play by the rules, they made them and broke them. We had them in England too, not just our own Leeds United legends, but Stan Bowles, Bobby Moore, George Best, Duncan McKenzie, Frank Worthington, Tony Currie, Charlie George, Alan Hudson, John Robertson at Forest to name but a few. There was once a quote from an old centre forward, “there’s no point running yourself ragged all day, if you are too knackered to kick the ball in the net when it comes to you”. Unpredictable and temperamental but exciting.

The advent of foreign football on the telly

Undoubtedly, we had the phenomenon of Total Football from Ajax in the Eredivise. But, through the decades we had the likes of Serie A giants Baggio, Batistuta, Pirlo, Del Piero, Totti, Maldini, Inzaghi and Costacurto. Not forgetting Cafu, Buffon, Shevchenko and Costa. Then came the La Liga, “Los Galacticos” and Barca. Money was thrown at Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo (the proper one) and Beckham by Madrid  Presidente Florentino Perez, to buy the league. FFP? Hahaha, hahaha, hahaha. Mind you, Jack Walker was doing the same for Blackburn at the time! Granted, there was already Raul and Roberto Carlos in the ranks. Barca’s answer? Ronaldinho, Deco, Eto’o, Rivaldo, Iniesta, Xavi and of course Messi, more than matched Madrid.

Maestros

All these players were / are ultimate footballers, exciting, precocious and in Messi’s case, mercurial. I’ve missed out many names, but remember, not all of the above were centre forwards. Roberto Carlos was a full back , yet his penetrating runs provided many a goal. A bit like Tony Dorigo and Mel Sterland but a tad smaller in stature, a bit more tanned, and possible slightly faster. He was also a dead ball specialist, with one of the best records for scoring from set pieces. Matched by Beckham, and our own, Ian Harte. Notwithstanding the midfield maestros (how could I forget Makelele?) and stalwart centre halfs providing immovable walls in defence.

English equivalents

Division 1 had Matt Le Tissier, Teddy Sheringham, Tony Adams, Bergkamp and Gazza. The PL had Thierry Henry, Viera, Ronaldo (the other one), bitey Suarez, Droghba, Aguero and Cesc Fabregas. We had our own too, as Cantona does kind of count. Can we forget “Yeboah, Yeboah”, “Batty’s gonna get ya” and “all we want is a team of Radebes”?

Common denominators

Undeniably, all these players have one thing in common. They are all unique. The moulds have been broken.

Admittedly they have similar certain traits but it is how they use their speed and agility, apply the expertise to read the game, and capability to play as a team and in Messi’s case, knowledge of where the two sticks are, which makes them great.

Modern football

Unfortunately, there are no such modern day equivalents. Although Messi is still kicking about somewhere in the desert. For a short time, Leeds United had Stuart Dallas – the Cookstown Cafu and of course, Kalv – the Yorkshire Pirlo and Raphinha. Things could have been so much different if Kalv had stayed, and had they not done the dirty on Bielsa.

Although, in PL recent history for a time Ward Prowse was a free kick specialist and KDB was phenomenal a few years ago. Nowadays if Grealish’s talent could be harnessed by more first team football, whilst fawning less over his highlights, there’s hope. Concurrently, there is goal scoring machine, Erling Haaland and potential in Foden at Citeh, but where else is the talent? Cole Palmer I suppose is up and coming, but there really is a paucity of sustained talent in the ranks.

The bare bones.

To strip football down to it’s bare bones, the aim is to get more goals than the other team in 90 minutes. There should be more work into how that can be achieved at Club and at league level by the scientists. Football specialists should be concentrating their efforts on improving the physical and mental aspects of the game. The evidence on the telly suggests that there are more statisticians than sports scientists. Why do we need someone to produce an algorithm, which you can look at in the build up to kick off, check at half time and then see if it was right at the end of the 90 minutes? Do the robot programmers get extra points if they predict it right?

Humans v AI

I feel flair and originality has been beaten out of the game. Individuality has been bred out of the modern game because of the incessant desperate need for some number cruncher to churn out stats about how far someone has run on the pitch and see if the computer gets it right about predicting the score from that computer robot model. I’m old school and I just don’t get it. Sorry.

The betterment of sport.

Commentators

The one group who do actually benefit from all these stats are the prematch, half time and post match commentators. Equally across all sports too, I’m guessing, but moreso with football. It isn’t just me, lots of people think that the calibre of commentary is poor. During the game on the telly, it’s not really commentary Mottie style is it? It’s just a couple of people having a chat half the time. At least in the old days it was proper audio description, so if you couldn’t see it, you knew what was going on. I’m not asking for horse racing type, second by second description, but at least some idea of what is going on. Just pretend people actually want to know what is going on, on the pitch.

Words don’t come easy

If you ever watched or listened to Jeff Stelling, Mers, Phil Thompson, Le Tissier, Charlie Nicholas and Rodney Marsh on Soccer Saturday, you know they had a certain chemistry. To be fair even James Richardson, Ally McCoist, Richard Keys and Andy Gray had a certain swagger about them. Banter was banter with them. It was just like being in a pub after the game. The art of conversation was completely mastered and in full flow, oh and by the way, this was what was happening up and down the country. They had amassed libraries of encyclopaedic footballing knowledge between that small group. Compare that to now. It’s a shadow of it’s former self, even with McInally and Paul Merson back in the frame.

This is where the magic happens

Here is where the stats come in. If you don’t really know too much about two teams and their match history, you can easily look like you do by reading through the notes given to you by the number crunching magic pixies. With the help of heat maps and percentage passes completed, you can look like you know what you are talking about. With the aid of all this AI, you can quote figures and performances as if you had sat through every game ever played. Hey presto. Mega pundit!

You could get a robot to do it.