Robots.
For many, the word robot conjures up some man made, mechanical machine with flashing lights. Similar to 80s favourite of yesteryear, “Ready, Steady, are you set? For Metal Mickey?”
Another fave was the ever protective robot from the classic Lost In Space.
Danger Will Robinson. Yes, the photo is black and white – it’s how things were in the old days!
However, the word robot doesn’t come from some technological textbook. The origin comes from a 1920s Czech play R.U.R – Rossums Universal Robots by Karel Capek. Robot is derived from an old Church Slavic word “robota” meaning servitude, forced labour or drudgery. In the play, Rossum is a scientist who discovers how to create humanoid machines to help the whole world and mankind in general. Another scientist decides to improve on them by giving them more humanlike traits. Eventually the machines take over.
Similar to Skynet from Terminator, I suppose. I’ve ruined the plot of the play for you now, sorry.
What robot?
Why am I on about robots? Robots were just designed to do repetitive, menial tasks to make life easier and more convenient for humankind, weren’t they? Surely this is a footballing blog?
Well, for the first time ever, I was moved to agree with that goliath from the world of footballing punditry, Gary Neville. Remember him? He used to play for some insignificant football team, and now preaches about how we should behave, whilst doing the opposite thing. Qatar World Cup, Gary. Qatar.
Agreeing with the enemy.
Towards the end of some PL game on SkyTVisf**kings**t a few months ago, the home side was losing at 80 minutes. Rather than going for it and trying to get an equaliser to save face (or God forbid a win!), they just passed it around between the full backs and the goalie. Sound familiar? Nev lost his rag and started saying “just go forward and at least try to get a result” etc. etc. Finishing off his tirade with the words “they’re just like a load of robots”.
Sadly, this is the dire situation we are in. It’s not just us, most of modern football is played like it is on paper. Artificial, possession based (to the point of obsession) tippy tappy football. Plays and positions are drilled into players, replacing the vision, flair and creativity that all young footballers begin with. Basically most of PL teams do play like a load of robots.
Standardisation, sanitisation and sterilisation
I feel that these are the words which reflect the game today. Certainly at PL and EFL levels it is. I don’t watch much lower league football. Hope springs eternal that it is not going the same way though.
Everyone and everything needs to be the same, lest it be deemed an unfair advantage, or disadvantage depending on how you see it. Apart from FFP of course, which can be manipulated into anything to gain the advantage, as long as you have the right lawyers and money (Leicester City) to do so.
Standardisation.
If you look at an PL ground the dugouts basically look the same. Same seats, same layout, same coaching team, doing the same encroaching out of the area. The pitch is the same sand mass with a turf topping, sprayed extra green to look good. You have the same water sprayers, turned on at the same time in all weathers, under the same floodlights. Camera angles on the telly are identical. The wraparound stadia are practically mirror images of each other. Each carefully crafted by computer modelling, to get the best spectacle when viewed on the telly and designed for optimal ambience.
However the atmosphere at these grounds, especially when home teams are losing, is dreadful. Generally, it’s the usual suspects of Arsenal and Spurs, whose fans seem to turn on the team and manager without hesitation. Although, how many times have we in the Championship sung “Duh, duh, duh. Football in a library”? Semantics really, over the last few decades, but moreso in the last few years, the atmosphere in all grounds has deteriorated.
Sanitisation.
Basically fans are all encouraged (or influenced) to sing similar songs, to similar tunes, whichever happens to be on trend. Luckily, Marching On Together isn’t replicated anywhere else, but there’s time! We aren’t allowed to, or should I say, we are “actively discouraged” from singing about certain things or using certain language in case it offends. Football banter, in it’s purest form of spontaneous ferocity, just simply isn’t acceptable in 21st century soccer. We all have to be mindful of fans who don’t have the same mindset apparently. Not everyone can take a joke or even see things as a joke.
There’s no denying that there are some choice words heard in the stands, but the heyday of hooliganism in the 70s and 80s has long passed. Long gone are the days when what was said with discrimination and venom on the terraces, was utterly meant, and sometimes followed through after the game. We have moved on now.
But, banter isn’t banter anymore, it’s carefully researched, intensively rehearsed, scripted nonsense. Manufactured fakery at it’s best. That’s why Match of the Day is best watched on catch up, so you can fast forward and skip the punditry. Correspondingly, at least the EFL show has done away with Colin and now just shows actual football. It’s much better that way. Cringeworthy Colin has ruined Countdown, by the way. I watch that on live pause now, so I can fast forward him and Riley’s terrible rehearsed repartee. Honestly, you can see the tumbleweeds rolling past poor Susie Dent in dictionary corner.
Sterilisation.
Undoubtedly, the future is bleak for common or garden fans but bright orange for those who want to be guaranteed the exact “immersive” experience on the box. Week in , week out, whether it’s a dull 0-0, or 7 goal bonanza, with the two hours of pre match build up but severely lacking in any decent actual commentary during the 90 minutes. Identical playing formations, uniform set pieces, analogous defending (defence) and corresponding attacking (offence). One big fat homogenous blob, with the tacky bonus of a light show if you are at Norwich or Sunderland. However, those OTT fire burners at Molyneux are toasty warm at the front of that stand in winter! Bonus.
Team full of robots
Consequently, we might as well be fielding a team full of robots.
Why? Because that is what is expected of modern football, and that is what we want, isn’t it? At least that is what they, as in PL, FL, EFL, think. (Add in the potential European Super League promoters FIFA and UEFA, and that list will read like a multinational criminal syndicate!). This, despite the fact that every player is a complete individual, and undeniably will react randomly at any given moment. They think that observers (aka fans) deserve certainty and predictability for their money. Surely?
Choosing the robots
Consider a team full of Benders. I mean the lovable rogue, alcohol swilling, cigar smoking, “bite my shiny metal a*s”, wrong un robot from Futurama, of course.
It’d be like a team full of Klichys! Woohoo!
If you have never watched Futurama, apologies, you won’t understand the analogy. Just look at the pictures and imagine it. Bender is a robot who bends things, hence Bender. Self explanatory really. If you’ve never seen Futurama – just forget it!
Should you count replicants as robots, you could have 11 Rutger Hauers. This would technically mean a team full of Battys. Obviously Roy Batty was the name of his character in Bladerunner, not David Batty. Apologies to the film lovers reading this who know that analogy, not everyone knows Rutger Hauer was a Roy.
Robots like these would be the antitheses of the statisticians who want nice heat mapped, percentage based passing, interceptions and AI calculated xG. With these robot teams the metrics would be terrible! Not all robots can be like the NS-5s in Isaac Asimov’s classic , I, Robot. Incidentally, the Will Smith film was set in 2035, so there’s still 11 years to go for US Robotics to design and make preprogrammed, humanoid efficiency machines for the betterment of society. Hooray.
However, a team full of Benders or Battys would make great edge of your seat viewing, for those who prefer excitement and unpredictability. Otherwise known as flair, footballing knowledge and being able to read a game.
Raison D’Etre
Again, apologies to those with French O level, raison d’etre, loosely translated as “reason for being”. The message today, during the International break, is simply that I miss the old days. I hate this new modern game and I hate all the anti football commercialism that comes with it. Money, agents, corporate glad handing, advertising, gambling and shiny shinyness etc. etc.
Glory Days
I’m so lucky to have been brought up with the greats of Pele, Zico and Romario and of our own, great Don Revie side. Firstly, our Leeds United glory years, albeit on the telly / videos for me, but not for some. The names need no mention, just the word – legends. No need for expert dieticians and sports scientists for them. Two games per week, pitches like ploughed fields and tackles with actual pointy studs were swiftly dealt with, by a couple of pints and a ciggie at half time.
Secondly, what a wealth of extraordinary talent we used to see when the qualifiers were on. It used to be just midweeks and there were less countries in those days. Remember, we rarely saw foreign players on England soil, until Ossie Ardilles came to Spurs in the 70s. The likes of Cruyff, Toshack, Maradona and Platini were only seen a few times a year, and it was great! Of course, I know there were some decent German players in those days, but for obvious reasons, Rummenigge, Muller, Roth and that cheat Beckenbauer hardly deserve a mention.
Mavericks and rule breakers
They were true mavericks of the game. They didn’t play by the rules, they made them and broke them. We had them in England too, not just our own Leeds United legends, but Stan Bowles, Bobby Moore, George Best, Duncan McKenzie, Frank Worthington, Tony Currie, Charlie George, Alan Hudson, John Robertson at Forest to name but a few. There was once a quote from an old centre forward, “there’s no point running yourself ragged all day, if you are too knackered to kick the ball in the net when it comes to you”. Unpredictable and temperamental but exciting.
The advent of foreign football on the telly
Undoubtedly, we had the phenomenon of Total Football from Ajax in the Eredivise. But, through the decades we had the likes of Serie A giants Baggio, Batistuta, Pirlo, Del Piero, Totti, Maldini, Inzaghi and Costacurto. Not forgetting Cafu, Buffon, Shevchenko and Costa. Then came the La Liga, “Los Galacticos” and Barca. Money was thrown at Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo (the proper one) and Beckham by Madrid Presidente Florentino Perez, to buy the league. FFP? Hahaha, hahaha, hahaha. Mind you, Jack Walker was doing the same for Blackburn at the time! Granted, there was already Raul and Roberto Carlos in the ranks. Barca’s answer? Ronaldinho, Deco, Eto’o, Rivaldo, Iniesta, Xavi and of course Messi, more than matched Madrid.
Maestros
All these players were / are ultimate footballers, exciting, precocious and in Messi’s case, mercurial. I’ve missed out many names, but remember, not all of the above were centre forwards. Roberto Carlos was a full back , yet his penetrating runs provided many a goal. A bit like Tony Dorigo and Mel Sterland but a tad smaller in stature, a bit more tanned, and possible slightly faster. He was also a dead ball specialist, with one of the best records for scoring from set pieces. Matched by Beckham, and our own, Ian Harte. Notwithstanding the midfield maestros (how could I forget Makelele?) and stalwart centre halfs providing immovable walls in defence.
English equivalents
Division 1 had Matt Le Tissier, Teddy Sheringham, Tony Adams, Bergkamp and Gazza. The PL had Thierry Henry, Viera, Ronaldo (the other one), bitey Suarez, Droghba, Aguero and Cesc Fabregas. We had our own too, as Cantona does kind of count. Can we forget “Yeboah, Yeboah”, “Batty’s gonna get ya” and “all we want is a team of Radebes”?
Common denominators
Undeniably, all these players have one thing in common. They are all unique. The moulds have been broken.
Admittedly they have similar certain traits but it is how they use their speed and agility, apply the expertise to read the game, and capability to play as a team and in Messi’s case, knowledge of where the two sticks are, which makes them great.
Modern football
Unfortunately, there are no such modern day equivalents. Although Messi is still kicking about somewhere in the desert. For a short time, Leeds United had Stuart Dallas – the Cookstown Cafu and of course, Kalv – the Yorkshire Pirlo and Raphinha. Things could have been so much different if Kalv had stayed, and had they not done the dirty on Bielsa.
Although, in PL recent history for a time Ward Prowse was a free kick specialist and KDB was phenomenal a few years ago. Nowadays if Grealish’s talent could be harnessed by more first team football, whilst fawning less over his highlights, there’s hope. Concurrently, there is goal scoring machine, Erling Haaland and potential in Foden at Citeh, but where else is the talent? Cole Palmer I suppose is up and coming, but there really is a paucity of sustained talent in the ranks.
The bare bones.
To strip football down to it’s bare bones, the aim is to get more goals than the other team in 90 minutes. There should be more work into how that can be achieved at Club and at league level by the scientists. Football specialists should be concentrating their efforts on improving the physical and mental aspects of the game. The evidence on the telly suggests that there are more statisticians than sports scientists. Why do we need someone to produce an algorithm, which you can look at in the build up to kick off, check at half time and then see if it was right at the end of the 90 minutes? Do the robot programmers get extra points if they predict it right?
Humans v AI
I feel flair and originality has been beaten out of the game. Individuality has been bred out of the modern game because of the incessant desperate need for some number cruncher to churn out stats about how far someone has run on the pitch and see if the computer gets it right about predicting the score from that computer robot model. I’m old school and I just don’t get it. Sorry.
The betterment of sport.
Commentators
The one group who do actually benefit from all these stats are the prematch, half time and post match commentators. Equally across all sports too, I’m guessing, but moreso with football. It isn’t just me, lots of people think that the calibre of commentary is poor. During the game on the telly, it’s not really commentary Mottie style is it? It’s just a couple of people having a chat half the time. At least in the old days it was proper audio description, so if you couldn’t see it, you knew what was going on. I’m not asking for horse racing type, second by second description, but at least some idea of what is going on. Just pretend people actually want to know what is going on, on the pitch.
Words don’t come easy
If you ever watched or listened to Jeff Stelling, Mers, Phil Thompson, Le Tissier, Charlie Nicholas and Rodney Marsh on Soccer Saturday, you know they had a certain chemistry. To be fair even James Richardson, Ally McCoist, Richard Keys and Andy Gray had a certain swagger about them. Banter was banter with them. It was just like being in a pub after the game. The art of conversation was completely mastered and in full flow, oh and by the way, this was what was happening up and down the country. They had amassed libraries of encyclopaedic footballing knowledge between that small group. Compare that to now. It’s a shadow of it’s former self, even with McInally and Paul Merson back in the frame.
This is where the magic happens
Here is where the stats come in. If you don’t really know too much about two teams and their match history, you can easily look like you do by reading through the notes given to you by the number crunching magic pixies. With the help of heat maps and percentage passes completed, you can look like you know what you are talking about. With the aid of all this AI, you can quote figures and performances as if you had sat through every game ever played. Hey presto. Mega pundit!
You could get a robot to do it.
