.. and so, as it was written, The True Gods of Football have now been usurped by a higher power, the Gods of Green.

All Hail the All Consuming (no pun intended) Gods of Green.

Consumers

No longer are we fans, we are consumers. Consumers of a product, which used to be the beautiful game. We are (un) willing participants in all of the consumerism which has enveloped football. Our beloved game is no longer just about the 90 minutes played by 20 / 24 teams (PL / EFL). It is 24/7 365 news cycle constant, with the added bonuses of the two transfer windows  to perpetuate the hysteria. Initially, we didn’t notice it. It was just in the background, lurking. Like a little goblin in the darkness. History changed, under the guise of convenience and progress.

Convenience

In the beginning, instead of queueing up outside the turnstiles, we were given the “convenience” of going to the ticket office beforehand and purchasing a paper ticket. The richer (more dedicated) folk paid up front for their entry in the form of a season ticket. A book of tear off slips was sent out before the start of the season and we presented at them at the turnstile. Instead of drunkenly searching for money in our pockets, we tore off the relevant little paper slip. Still not that easy after 6 pints!

Progression led to plastic cards to save money on wages for manned turnstiles and paper, as well as increasing the speed of entry. Although there are now more stewards at a turnstile than there used to be. Three or four people rather than that guy who was guarding the turnstile with half a ciggie hanging out of the corner of his mouth. It was still slow with plastic cards.

Now, all Hail the technology of phones. Strangely, the queues outside the turnstiles (especially at Saturday’s (Brentford) game) are now worse than what they used to be in the tear off slips heyday of our 90s glory years. Weird that isn’t it? How flashing a QR code or holding your phone up to a scanner is now just as slow as tearing off a paper slip. So much for convenience and progression!

Simplification

Progression is needed to simplify our enjoyment of our product. But in order to enjoy our product you need a phone, as this is a sustainability requirement for the PL. Plus, everyone wants to do everything on their phone, we are told. If you don’t have a phone (or at least one which is up to date) you are stuck. “No one will be left behind” we were told.

That’s not necessarily true though, is it? For the digitally excluded, you have to fight tooth and nail to make sure you can enjoy your product. Very soon, the only way we can enjoy our product will be via a phone because it’s “sustainable”. However, it is much simpler, easier and much more convenient to use a phone. Of course it is. But when you see the queues outside, is it? Honestly?

After years of this e ticketing, no one can blame it on user error anymore. The fact is, phones have not made it any simpler, quicker or easier. The queues remain the same. Digital ticketing however has made passing on of tickets much easier, evidenced by the ridiculous number of tickets available on the secondary market on line. Just Google it, if you don’t believe me. As for sustainability, plastic is recyclable. One card reprogrammed every season. Paper tickets? Ever heard of recycled paper?

Progression

In order to progress, you have to keep up to date. Cue the trauma of re logging onto the system after the end of the season. To “simplify the process” the email said. Perhaps this stemmed from the problems people had using their season ticket discount online for their shirt / merchandise (tat) purchases on the Leeds United shop website last season. Convenience and simplification anybody?

However, now of course, to simplify everything, all PL shirts are now on the Fanatics website now. In fact, I think the all merchandise is now being done by Fanatics. But this is progress. The aim of the PL is standardisation and uniformity across the board. As every fan is entitled to the same regardless of which team they support. Can’t have one team doing anything different to another can we? The cynic in me says that it is the same merchandise from the same factories with a different badge. Harsh?

Of course every supporter in the UK behaves exactly the same, regardless of county, city, or background. There’s no room for individuality in the PL. It’s all benchmarked and standardised to make sure every consumer enjoys the same experience of their PL product. Same digital tickets, same queues, different ground, different city.

Exciting new stadium

And, here we are. New season, exciting new development underway. New new new. But is it progress?

I walked past the Pavilion on Saturday and all the disabled parking and the bit where the bikers normally park up was all fenced off. In fact the whole area at the front of the Pavilion where historically the ne’er do wells met, was yellow barriered up. Strange, I thought. Where were all the less able supporters parking then? Have they put them even nearer the turnstiles? New stadium, new opportunities to do right by everyone, including the less able consumers. After all, everyone deserves to see a match at ER. Sorry, everyone deserves to enjoy their product.

Exciting new facilities

I’d already heard that in order to park at ER to enjoy our product you had to book a parking space in advance. None of this spontaneity lark. Such is progress that you need to book everything first, for your convenience naturally. The emails had been sent out well in advance to prepare you for your product, and inevitably the social media posts about problems with booking followed at pace.

Just about everyone, including our Club, knows that there are many disabled fans at ER. You used to see them getting into their cars in front of the Pavilion after the game. And so it should be, everyone is entitled to enjoy a Leeds game (product) regardless of disability etc. etc. It’s in the Equality Act 2010.

Therefore I’m guessing as part of said Equality Act, the fans who had previously had their accessible parking outside the Pavilion for many many years, would have been accommodated? Leeds knows exactly how many disabled tickets are sold every game, courtesy of sustainable digital tickets after all.

We will see next home game. As they saying goes, don’t go to bed just yet…….

New newness

As I walked past the NE corner and the new North Stand ticket office (with a very large queue outside), I noticed that there was now a massive expanse where they used to store the pitch overhead lighting. Wow! That’s new! Then I saw all the cars parked there. Nice shiny new big 4x4s. Hmm I thought. This must be where the players are parking their cars given the West Stand redevelopment. Then I took a closer look. Yes, 4x4s but more motability Jaecoo style, Burn Your Drives and company cars perks, than the petrol head /  shiny EVSUVs of the rich and famous. Definitely NOT disabled parking. Cue head scratch.

Whilst dodging the queues going into the Kop I noticed the shiny new building which I believe is now the Corporate entertaining bit. Nice! But whereas last season there were wheelchairs and stewards helping people in wheelchairs coming across my path, there were none at all. None.

The new normal

The pre match buzz and excitement of the first home game of the season of yesteryear was strangely absent. Replaced with muttered complaints about parking and having to walk miles. Even the atmosphere at ER seemed underwhelming. Definitely defiantly, as soon as the game kicked off, it was loud and proud, but that dissipated unusually quickly. Atmosphere muted, especially for the first game at home.

The team battled hard against a Brentford side with an outstanding midfield, but when the attendance of 35,971 was announced, it wasn’t just me that was surprised.

As far back as I can remember, the guaranteed sell outs at ER have always been the first and last home game. Historically, tickets for these games have been like gold dust, regardless of school holidays etc. According to Leeds 1,300 tickets were sold via the season ticket exchange scheme. Think about it 1,300 season ticket holders did not make the first home game of the season. Capacity is 37,500 or so, depending on which website you look at. When the away allocation is not fully sold, the bottom section is sold to Leeds fans.

37500 – 35971 = 1529

That’s 4%. Make it make sense.

1529 empty seats for the first home game of the season. What will happen when we have 55,000 capacity? Let’s extrapolate that 4%  on to e.g. a cold rainy Monday night in January when everyone is skint after Christmas. That’s potentially 2242 gaps on the Monday night telly special SkyTVisf**kings**t or TNT . Hopefully we stay in the PL for the forseeable.

If last season was anything to go by, if we aren’t in the top half by Christmas, they’ll be the “Farke ( or insert current manager’s name) out” cries. We’ve already heard the murmurings after we “failed” to secure a place in the next round of the League Cup. Chelski literally brought more money onto the pitch from their subs bench than our entire team.  Yet the impatient Entitled still screamed for the manager’s head.

Away again in the Cup

Our next game was Brighton away. A place where we have not won a game since that dreadful rain soaked day at the Withdean. We have never won a game at the new ground. But notching up two wins against Forest, looking back now at their results, was a pretty darn good start to a season!

To make matters worse though, the inevitable away League Cup draw at Chelsea 3 days afterwards.

£35 plus £1.50 booking fee for League Cup trip to London after Brighton away. Robbing *****. Chelski only charged Luton £15 apparently the previous game. The result? Leeds did not take up our full allocation. The top two wings of the Shed Upper stood empty, and there were empty seats scattered in the Shed Lower. However, even Chelski could not sell out their own ground.

Is this a sign of things to come? This weekend Coventry was on the telly. Lots of empty seats. Coventry. Their first season back in the Premier League, you’d have thought every seat would be taken for every game. Admittedly, their opponents were Brighton, and many Coventry fans were probably glad they didn’t bother turning up. 31492 attendance for 5-0 drubbing. The attendance on the first home game of the season? 31239. Make it make sense.

The sign of things to come

I think there is a pattern emerging. We will see how this plays out for the rest of the season. But I do not think we will see sell outs this season, bar the tourist traps of Anfield, Arsenal, Citeh and Salford Quays. I think there will be more games with more gaps.

Let’s face it, regardless of what our Government are telling us, the cost of living crisis is getting worse. Inflation is not 2-3%. Whilst they tell us a basket of shopping is more or less the same as it was 18 months ago, we know different. A Mars bar maybe the same price, but shrink- flation means we are getting less for the same money. The basket weighs less, the wrappers are bigger. When you can’t get a Freddo for under 25p (even at Home Bargains), and Freddo is nearer tadpole than frog, you just know.

Dropping pennies

When is the penny going to finally drop? We are Leeds United. This is Yorkshire. We are not Metropolitan Elites. Once you cross  north of the Watford Gap, the gap between rich and poor is much greater. For most teams in the North, not just us.

All this sustainability / benchmarking standardisation is a misnomer. I understand technology has changed and it should be embraced, but doing things for the sake of doing it, rather than it achieving actual benefits seems misguided. The move to digital tickets has not led to demonstrable, measurable, objective, let alone subjective, efficiency. Same queues week in week out.

Supporters have been told it is easier and more convenient by the companies who manufacture these products. These companies have a vested interest in everyone using their products. Everything is done to make everyone enjoy their product better. Let’s not forget though, this includes shareholders, investors and bank balances of these companies too. Not just the supporters / consumers!

From a height

Look at the proposal for Birmingham Powerhouse Stadium. 12 proposed towers to reflect the industrial heritage and a tower with the highest bar in Birmingham. All to help enjoy the PL product. Viewers of The Great British Bake Off will be familiar with the phrase “style over substance”. Let’s hope it’s not the case.

Seriously. What a match going fan wants is a decent view for a decent price. Decent priced beer and a pie which does not burn the roof of your mouth off. A cup of bovril which does not need cyclonic stirring to achieve a drinkable beverage. As opposed to a solid lump of centrifuged brown gunk lurking in Yorkshire water style insipidness. The game (still – unless Infantino get’s his way) is 90 minutes. Two halves of 45 minutes with a 15 minute break in between.

I’ve been to a baseball game in the US and watched the Superbowl on the telly. It seems to last hours. This is FOOTBALL. 90 minutes. We’re there to watch a game not eat a three course meal. It’s like the people who go to the cinema and spend the entire first half an hour trying to eat hot dogs, nachos with dips and huge buckets of fizzy drinks in the dark. They end up standing up at the end of the film, dropping enough food to feed the rats down the bottom of the Dark Arches for a week.

That cannot be enjoyment. Mind you, when I was younger, the sign of a good night out after a home game was waking up and finding half a kebab spilled down your jeans from Zam Zams!

However, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Convenience, simplification, progress to help you enjoy your product.

Peak experience

This circles me back to parking. I believe that once the West Stand is completed, there will be a significant increase to the corporate hospitality component of the matchday attendance. Those who remember the days when normal folk could use the Pavilion pre match without needing a lanyard are well aware of the displacement and replacement of normal fans.

But, we know, corporate hospitality makes the club much more money per head that us mere mortals. And given the FFP (financial fair play) / PSR (profit and sustainability rules) (whatever they call it now), who can blame the Club from trying to maximise revenue for this sector. It is a business after all.

With Corporate hospitality comes corporate parking. After all, these supporters are contributing to the coffers more. Justifying therefore, better quality facilities for their product. However, having been a recipient of the delights of corporate packages, namely free food and drink for 3 hours pre match, it begs the question. WHO wants to park when they are in Corporate? Genuinely, everything including the drink is FREE. Unless its champagne or spirits (I think?).  This is what taxis and Ubers are for.

Why would you waste the opportunity of free food and drink? Why would anyone want to sit there sipping diet coke or mineral water, whilst everyone else is tucking into a bucket of beer? Make it make sense. Even if you are taking your clients out to corporately entertain them, you need to be joining in the experience.

Whilst there may be a smattering of poor designated driver sappers to such events, most people I have met have NOT driven to corporate hospitality. Why would you want to sit there in the traffic queues afterwards for hours? You just sit there after the game and wait for the traffic to go and get a taxi.

So if, and this is a big if, corporate hospitality is taking priority over less abled supporters parking facilities, the Club seriously need to have a rethink.

It’s not quite Animal Farm where everyone is equal, but some are more equal than others. Football has changed. Looking at the last World Cup, the departure from what I grew up with is more gaping chasm than mind the gap. Money is taking over, but only because our allegiance to the benchmarking, sustainability standardisation bollocks is forcing the issue.

Gods of Green

As with much 21st century life, consumerism has taken over. Football used to be ruled by TV companies like SkyTVisf**kings**t, TNT, Amazon etc. because they held control over when our games were played. However, they have been replaced by the new Gods of Green. They rule how the game is played. Their names? Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Hamilton, Grant and Franklin. The Green Gods of modern football.

 

 

 

 

Happy New Season folks!

We’re back!

Happy New Season. What a way to start! New keeper in, old keeper out – literally OUT! Several other new signings to boot. The “Exciting New” stadium (like the “Magnificient New East Stand” in 1993) already underway. Pre season in USA and the Boyle Cup game in Ireland at the fantastic venue of Croke Park! Let’s hope that our involvement in the Boyle Cup lasts a little longer than the doomed Whyte and Mackay Cup in the 2000s. If you weren’t around then, it lasted one game! Hibs away.

Although work and family commitments meant I couldn’t attend, Croke Park would have been a ground to see. Ancestral home and HQ of the GAA (Gaelic Athletic Association) , Gaelic football and hurling. From humble beginnings in 1884 as the Jones’ Road sports ground, bought by the GAA in 1913 and renamed in honour of Archbishop Thomas Croke in 1913. Home of THE famous Rule 42. No foreign sport should ever be played on it’s (GAA) properties. Eventually amended in 2005 to allow other sports like rugby and other football by GAA Congress. Following the ban on it’s members being allowed to attend other sports being lifter earlier in the 20th century.

The Secretary has been there to watch a couple of Gaelic (proper) football games at the old Croke Park before it’s massive redevelopment. Games permitting, I’d like to go there and watch a game one day.

Back to it

After a prolonged time away, not of my own making,  the season starts this weekend, at an away game at 3pm! Yes, I said it. 1st game of the season, away, 3pm on a Saturday. Woo hoo! Happy New Season!

Cup game away (boo) at the same ground three days later, and then the announcement of three changes Arse away 12.30pm (but at least still on a Saturday), Sc*m at home 2pm on the Sunday and the Mackems away now 4.30pm on the Sunday. Not quite a happy new season. But this won’t be the last intervention of the true Gods of Football, SkyTVisf**kings**t, BT or TNT as they are now called, and Amazon. Depending on how we get on in both the League and the Cups (both Cups with any luck), they’ll be more changes afoot. The BBC and ITV will also get in on the conversation, sooner rather than later. Give it a few more years, and it’ll be Netflix too.

Happy New Start

The branch is now in it’s 31st year as the Harrogate & District Leeds United Supporters Club. The Harrogate branch itself has been in existence since the 80s in some form or another. Initially just as arranged transport for away games. Morphing into home (some choice visits to the Kirkstall Lights!!!) and away travel (including European travel +/- UF tours) and then more recently (2000) just away travel.

Patterning really how Leeds United, and generally football, has changed over the last 40 years or so. In the beginning, League football started small and local. A bit of a niche sport in the 80s, only certain groups of people were attracted to the terraces. Hardly any games sold out in those days. That was with pay on the gate as well. Plus, it wasn’t accessible unless you were there or read the papers. TV companies got involved in 90s, money got into the game in Europe early 2000s, global exploitation followed. The rest is history.

The old beginnings

However, this 25 year period has been the longest consistent one. The current Secretary, in fact Committee, has now been in place since 2000 and is the longest consistent core Committee the branch has ever had.

People (Committee members as well as branch members) have flitted in and out since the 80s. Moreover, as with any organisation, people grow older, priorities change, work changes and money obviously comes into it. People move to other towns, people emigrate to other countries, and family life comes first. On (double!) relegation in 2000s  we lost a lot of members. During the Bielsa years and when we got promoted, we acquired more and we’ve had some old faces return. There are also differences in opinion which can cause division. It happens. We learn and move on.

Everyone has got to start somewhere

I genuinely thought in 1993 that eventually I would grow up, so I needed to enjoy everything while it lasted. I threw everything, money, annual leave, my liver (!) into those glory years after promotion. I’d just finished at uni and managed to scrape a few home and aways in within the limits of my student grant before I splashed out on my first season ticket.  For those of you who don’t know what a student grant was I’ll explain. Grants were what we got from the Government if we were academically clever enough to go to uni but our parents couldn’t afford it. I qualified with a 2.2 (Desmond), got a job that summer and bought my first season ticket with my first pay cheque. I joined the branch years later in 96 and basically, I’m still here. Never grown up then!

Back to the old days

To give you a bit of insight, in 80’s Thatcher’s Britain education was different. At 16 you either were clever enough to do O levels or not, so you took CSEs instead. If you did O levels and you could hack staying in school a bit longer, you went to Sixth form. If you did CSEs, you went onto college to do a B Tec or HND (Kitson / Park Lane if you lived in Leeds) or got learnt a trade and got a job. In Sixth form, you chose 3 subjects and were forced to do General Studies. By the time you did your mocks, you’d been to the careers officer who advised you whether to try for a place at uni or just aim low and go for a polytechnic.

Leeds Poly? Great place! I eventually got to Uni, worked my rear end off. Still some great gigs at the Poly though when I could afford it. But at that time, The Duchess was better!

Back to it

Anyway, like anyone embarking on any adventure, you’re always a bit hesitant at the start. Football was and still is, an adventure. My first away was quite a start! This is another story, for another time. But, the branch has always been very welcoming, to many waifs and strays. Everyone has to start somewhere. Once I started going, I got used to seeing the same faces week in week out, and I knew that I was hooked. The same faces meant consistency and more importantly, they had your back, as you looked after your own at away grounds. Whatever you got up to! So once again I’ll say, Happy New Season to all current and potential new members. I hope this is a new start for all of you.

Keeping it real  

The pattern is the same with the Leeds United fan base. There’s a fortunate few who have been able to afford season tickets /  away season tickets for 30+ years. Season tickets were not essential until recently. Remember in the Cellino years, in 2016 season ticket holders were offered the 15,000 ST renewals by June, top 6 place or 50% back?

We came 16th (?) I think and we got our refund, but only 25% as 15,000 eventually renewed. For the unbelievers https://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/sport/football/how-many-season-tickets-will-leeds-united-sell-by-sunday-and-how-much-will-fans-get-back-if-they-dont-make-play-offs-1794153

These lucky souls are what makes up the core of the (certainly away) fanbase. In 1993 we barely had mobile phones, let alone UHD camera phones capable of making small movies. Thanks to T’Internet, every single minute of matchday is now captured and plastered all over social media for the whole world to see. People who we only ever saw on Saturday at football or in the pub are now superstar super fans across the globe. The conversations that we only ever had in the pub or at the game are now 24/7 thanks to Noseybook, Twitter, Instagram etc. and to people all over the world. Football has truly become a 24 hour global phenomenon.

Times have changed, so have we.

Now, no one has to wait till match day for that pre match analysis of the team selection and game plan, or post match forensic dissection and dissemination. The last bus home is no longer the end of the discussion. In fact discussion and debate, opinion and counter opinion, it never ends. Thanks to the like of SkyTVisf**kings**t and social media, football never stops. It can, and will take over your entire life. Sometimes, it is not necessarily a good thing. When you get to the point where football becomes life encompassing, and your life is on public view for the world, something else has to give.

I must admit, I am so glad that my early years following Leeds were not all documented for all the world to see. We did some stuff back then when we were young. Times have changed. It’s not like it used to be and in some ways, that is a good thing. Like the song says, “regrets – I’ve had a few ….. but I did it my way!”

Meet the gang

But we’re not living in the past anymore. It sometimes helps though to reflect back to remind ourselves how far we have come. This keeps us grounded. We’re all grateful for all that we had.

With that in mind, seeing as it is the 31st year, I thought I’d introduce you to the Committee. Here’s a photo of us back in 1996 or around that time. Chairman Charley, everyone knows. He’s one of the most famous faces on Facebook, having maxxed out his followers and friends.

Charley is the public face of Harrogate & District LUSC. The rest of us, well, we really aren’t that bothered with publicity and never have been. We’ve very little to say to be honest. Unless you ask me about the ticketing system at Leeds United over the last 20 years. I won’t shut up then. On that subject, I can go on ad infinitum. However, we don’t much feel the need to be seen and talked about at games. It’s enough just to be there supporting the team

But, after 12 years of doing this website, here is The Secretary, Paul McManus aka Stella, the Membership Secretary Roy Flynn and me, the Comms Officer Lai in one collaged photo. With a smiling Chairman Charley Megginson. We look a bit older now, and are probably that little bit wiser than we were 30 years ago.

Welcome and happy new season!

 

I am afraid I just don’t care.

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote something. Life, family, work, the usual. Day to day life has just taken over .Unfortunately the website and this page has been forced into the back seat. Although, fortunately, with the introduction of the away ballot, I have to say, it’s been a little less stressful running a branch. I don’t miss the two hours, three days a week of  sitting in front of a computer trying to order tickets on that website.

Pity those folks who in the previous decade or so have never had to go anywhere near the ticketing page. Firstly, clicking on the right link, let alone try to remember the login details and tick all the boxes. Secondly, that pressure of waiting for that screen to change from the East Stand to that little man walking across the screen. Finally, logging in to find that even though you clicked on the link at 10.30am (before it changed to 1.00pm), you were still 17000th in the queue. Plus, ticking on all the boxes that had a traffic light in them. They missed all of this.

Now they get all day to apply in the ballot and I cannot. Consequently, I am now excluded and frankly I don’t care. I did my time with all that, and it was enough.

The why.

Therefore, my main raison d’etre – moaning about tickets – has gone and football has happily bobbled along this season. Plus, we are above Spurs as we stand, so it’s not so bad right now. Sadly I have been moved by the latest “controversy” that has been stoked up by the people who hate Leeds this last week. A feeble attempt to condemn all Leeds fans as intolerant racists and bigots etc. etc blah blah blah. Whatever the flavour of the month “anti” thing to cause dissent and division. I don’t care what it is. Basically, the latest trend to give the bored attention seekers something to bleat about and make themselves feel really important.

The context.

On Friday, I was unlucky enough to be in front of the telly when SkyTVisf**ings**t Sports News was on. The headline? Breaking news at Leeds United -“Latest development at Elland Road”. Haha I thought. Farke has finally got the backing of the Board. He’s going to appeal against the red that was frankly being pulled out of the ref’s pocket before he had even stepped on the pitch. Nope. The breaking news wasn’t even that Joel Piroe might even start a game this season. No. The “news” was the press release from ER about what had happened at the Citeh game. Eyes roll emoji  (which may or may not trigger someone).

To be fair, the Club set out a well thought out, reasoned statement.  I could screenshot and insert, but it would probably breach some copyright rule, so I won’t. You’ve all seen it anyway. In no uncertain terms, it clarifies the position that several of our players, let alone at least 25% Leeds (and some Citeh) fans were not aware of what was taking place. The statement unquestionably confirmed that this stoppage had never happened at ER before. Bravely spelling out the extenuating circumstances that occurred at the Emptiad stadium and at the Sunderland game the week before. And these were proper extenuating circumstances, which provided much context to what transpired.

Does it matter?

It was a bold step. But to be honest, personally I don’t care. We are not just fans. We are customers who pay a large amount of money to watch 22 men kick a round ball about and try to get it in between a set of two sticks for 90 minutes plus Fergie time. If His Holy Grace The Pope had stepped onto that pitch to announce the canonisation of Beckford for putting the ball in the Man U net, I would have still booed. Likewise, had the Dalai Lama strolled on to acclaim Beradi as the Golden Child, the next reincarnation of the great Bodhisattva of Compassion, equally the same.

The fact was all the Citeh players ran to the sideline and there was a “tactical” break. Just like there was when their goalie sat down in the Emptiad.  They can pretend all they like. I just don’t care. Undeniably, they were cheating. Perhaps Pep, so incensed that their goal machine Haaland didn’t want to play, let alone score against us, flipped. Why a team of Citeh’s stature, resources and £££, would sink so low as to attempt to disrupt play, to gain advantage is anyone’s guess. Pathetic.

The facts

I’m there to watch a Premier League football match. End of. If the players concerned just did what every other player who needs a drink or an energy sachet through the game does and just grabbed one from the sidelines, that’s fine. They are paid an awful amount of money to run around for 90 minutes plus fergie time. More than in a week than we can ever dream of in a year. We pay a lot of money to watch them run around for 90 minutes plus fergie time. Just get on with it.

It is 90 minutes a week. Just let me have that 90 minutes, with no other distraction than what’s going on the pitch. This is what I care about. Nothing else for 90 minutes. Leave it at the turnstiles and concentrate on the game.

Surely, if the medical team thought players were at risk of injury if they didn’t get that drink at that specific time, then the Club should not be playing them. Likewise, if a player is not fit to play, they should not be on the pitch. I’m pretty sure there are rules about that. After all the manager picks the team to win the game.  Or hold onto a 1-0 lead for 80 minutes – yikes!

No other team sport has the money, the means and most importantly the PRIVILEDGE to deprive paying customers for their right to receive what they paid for. Can you imagine a Grand Prix being stopped halfway through the the race to let someone get a drink? Can you imagine a load of jockeys suddenly pulling up their horses after the fifth fence to get a quick snack? How about a 4 x 400m relay race?

It’s important to show

I keep hearing the phrase “it is important to show”. Important to who? Not me, I don’t care. Oh wait, it was important to make other people who have not paid to watch a football match feel that they were just as important as the paying customer? No.

Oh – the global audience. The people who are just enjoying the experience on the telly. I forgot. They are far more important. But wait, aren’t these people just there to watch the game as well? As in the 90 minutes of kicking a ball about? Are there actually people who are more bothered about what happens outside of the activity on the pitch? Everything just needs to be left at the turnstiles.

Football is the most important thing at a football game. Nothing else.

Leave us alone

Why can’t football fans be left alone to just watch the game? What makes the PL, or anyone else, think they have the right to spoil the 90 minutes plus fergie time that we have paid for. It’s bad enough that over the years we’ve gone from our hallowed Saturday 3pm kick offs to Monday, Tuesday , even Sunday kick offs. Why do we have to be puppets in the agendas of the globalised standardisation crew, to make sure we are all “equal”?

We are just football fans. Every one of us unique in every way. We are already massively diverse but for 90 minutes a week, for 40 weeks a year, we are ONE. Stop preventing us from being the individuals we all are, because THAT diversity is what makes us stronger as a fan base. Leeds United boast one of the biggest worldwide networks of all PL clubs, we are already very different, but with Leeds United we are one. Leave us to choose how we want to react (albeit within the law obviously – can’t go around knocking five bells out of anyone who disagrees). We have basic right to freedom of expression and freedom of speech (currently) within the law.

Standardisation and fairness.

If the PL / UEFA / FL want to bring in standardisation, than they should start with making sure all fans get the same facilities and “experience” for the same amount of money at every ground. If they want to equalise everything so it is fairer, maybe they should make sure that all fans (able and disabled) can have access to safe seating, decent toilet facilities and decent access to parking. How about ensuring all stadia have lift facilities for the people with mobility problems? Similarly, how about making sure every fan with mobility issues can park up and walk to the ground in less than 5 minutes? Maybe all fans should get the same treatment home or away (ask the Maccabi Tel Aviv fans for their feedback). These are the things that really matter, and quite rightly, should be done. However, they are not.

Is it because of money? Or is the impetus and will just not there? I just don’t care. Just get it done.

Rather than the media, social media, newspapers, influencers etc crowing on about something which was actually nothing, focus on something which should improve.

I’m not defending the small minority who were booing because they knew what they were doing. All I am saying is that there is so much more going on in the world right now, there needs to be an escape. I just want to watch the game that I pay for. Leave the rest of the politics, religion whatever at the turnstiles.

It’s a football game. Stop pretending it is anything more.

For a number of seasons now, those words “Real Fans Don’t Discriminate” have been clearly visible on the scoreboard at ER.

The first incarnation I found on google was the above picture from 2023. Recently, the “real fans don’t” phrase, is emphatically used as the introductory mantra which tells us what we can’t / shouldn’t do.

To spare you squinting or shading your eyes, in one of the four days per year that we have sunshine. In summary, that poor excuse for a scoreboard says, real fans don’t use discriminatory language, take any illegal drugs, chuck stuff or run on the pitch nor use pyros. Real fans don’t do any tragedy chanting etc. etc.

Basically, in the 21st century sanitised era of English football, real fans don’t do anything that harms the brand. Real fans all look the same, eat the same, sound the same. Identical grounds, uniform layouts. One fat homogenous blob. That’s what they want. But, want never gets.

What we do,do,do

Please don’t get me wrong, some of the language at football is quite frankly appalling. I’m not trying to excuse or condone any of it. But most of what is said, is purely reactionary, on the spur of the moment. In the main, joining in with the rest of the crowd. After all, in essence, football is tribal. Them against us.

Some of the new songs are to catchy tunes from yesteryear. Some are quite cleverly done, capturing the essence of the moment. Spontaneity at it’s best. Spontaneous yet ephemeral. Basically as ephemeral as our squad, sometimes, especially under certain managers.

However, some have lasted the test of time, in some instances decades. For example, Imre. Imre Varadi. Imre Varadi. Dom Matteo. Scored an excellent goal, etc. The Gaetano song to the tune of Abba’s Voulez Vous. Not forgetting, the old nursery rhyme, the animals went in two by two, morphing into Enoch Showumni, United’s 21.

The majority isn’t chanting in aggression or malice. It is just banter. Drunken, or “other ” substance fuelled, witty repartee. I disagree that it is discriminatory or inflammatory. Some of it is childish and in poor taste. Some is just sad frustration. Things said on the spur of the moment, and usually regretted within 24 hours or when sober.

What we don’t do

Contrastingly, we just don’t do patience. “I am prepared to wait and see how the season pans out before I start calling for the heads of the Manager / Board” said no Leeds fan EVER.

Only a tiny minority of Leeds fans have got what it takes to stand back and take a measured view. Many have been beaten into submission by the years, nay decades of the proverbial ups and downs. Despite the perpetual shoulder shrug, “Leeds have to do it the hard way” platitudes, most, if not all seasons, it’s do as I say, not do as I do. It’s hard being a Leeds fan.

Take Luton the other week for instance. I WISH I’d filmed that, just so I could put it on noseybook to shame them all. We drew against a desperate side, fighting to stay up.

Unlike last season, we didn’t fold. We got a draw. You’d have thought we’d just lost 3-0 and Farke had killed a load of puppies, such was the venom at the front of the away end. Grown adults crying that we’d thrown away the league. People screaming Farke Out and shouting some real abuse at our players. People fighting with each other.

Tanake apparently took it really badly. I’m not surprised. So far this season, our Japanese Jack Russell has enjoyed the spoils of midfield domination. But the toll of long international trips and Rothwell getting injured, has recently reared it’s ugly head.

But a week later, and it’s all change. You just couldn’t make it up.

Real fans?

Real fans. What does that actually mean though?

If I were to do the AI trend thing of plastic toy models, what would a “real” Leeds fan look like? Would we get a miniature Mick Hewitt? Or a double pack of Big and Little Mick Hewitts? Does anyone fancy doing it for a laugh? I genuinely wouldn’t know where to start! Someone do it, and put it on noseybook please.

What is a real fan?

No one knows. It means different things to different people. I have written essays on this before, so I’m not wasting time repeating myself. All it does is create arguments and division within the Entitled who continual bicker between themselves to justify why they think they are the better fan.

Why does it matter?

Personally, this is the main issue. It does matter who the “real fans” are. I have written far too many blogs on why “Fans matter”. It’s not just me either.

Look at the ESL debate a few years ago. If not for the protests from fans of all clubs, we might well have PL teams playing in a European Super League right now. It still may happen, but temporarily we don’t.

If not for facebook / twitter / social media, we currently might have a shirt with THAT abomination on it.

In the famous words of a recent famous White “weird,weird, weird”

Fans matter. But which fans? How do you choose which fans opinions you listen to? Because, as sure as eggs are eggs, not all fans will think the same. And, concurrently, not all will want the same thing.

If we knew what we want

This is a vague reference to one of Chairman Charleys favourite singers, Susannah Hoffs. She is in the Bangles. They did a song – if she knew what she wants.

If only the people who make the decisions knew what we want.

Digital tickets

We were told that because of Covid, everyone had got used to doing everything on their phones. We were told everyone wanted digital tickets, and also to save money and be a bit greener, the Club would no longer do paper tickets / season ticket cards. Digital tickets reduce ticket touting, they said. I have no problem with people wanting digital tickets, but the season ticket card should always have been an option. I would pay to have mine back.

Tech

Technology just wasn’t that good in real life though. The turnstile I used was so intermittent and inconsistent, it was a real trial to get in on matchday. Many people struggled with that turnstile. User error / device incompetence was blamed, and many many emails bounced to and fro. Ticket office staff were despatched to the turnstile to “facilitate” us. Eventually, they admitted it didn’t work. Woo hoo, we have a new turnstile!

The latest debacle with the introduction of the 80% rule (talk about that later), the turnstile technology has again been thrown into doubt. One season ticket holder went to the YEP, as apparently ccTV proved he had attended the sufficient number of games. According to our Club, he had not. I’m not sure why he would lie. Buying a season ticket isn’t exactly cheap.

There are other cases where season ticket holders have been told they haven’t attended enough games, even though they know they have. Are we ready for digital ticketing? Or do we need to wait until the technology improves, so it is consistent. Remember a few seasons ago, Arsenal fans were all locked out at the 1st game of the season.

Ticket touting? Not got any better, in fact, now that they are digital instead or paper, it is worse.

Ticketing website

As for Seatgeek, don’t even get me started. My trustpilot review would be less than one star. Checkout issues being the main problem. How many people had problems with Wembley play off tickets? Too many to mention. Come back queueing at the West Stand please, all is forgiven!

Season ticket pricing difference

For those of us who have had season tickets for a while, the renewal price might be a bit of a shocker. By the way, you don’t actually know your renewal price until you log in. Even then, you have to “add a card” (even if you have saved cards), get a bank transaction of £0.00 done, before you can renew. I digress. It’s a bit of a shocker this season, if you are a long standing ST holder.

If you only bought a season ticket around about the Bielsa Era, it isn’t as much apparently. However, if you bought one quite recently, the renewal price is apparently in line with inflation.

Why is this? The newer (perhaps more important and valued) ST holders moaned to our current custodians that they had to pay more than someone who was sat next to them. If only the current custodians just turned round and told them that we deserved to pay less because we had stood by the Club whilst others didn’t. Maybe if they had said, “frankly putting up with p*ss poor passing and abysmal shooting, deserves a bloody medal, let alone cheaper season tickets”, things would be different.

Yellow shirt

For literally a decade, we have wanted a yellow away shirt. For literally a decade, we were told, no one wants to buy a yellow shirt. We had puce pink, lilac, WYPT bus seats, stilton cheese, baby blue. Everything but yellow. This season we got a yellow shirt. I don’t even need to say anything else. It’s the best selling shirt ever. Hmmm.

Refreshments

Everyone wants to do everything on their phones. Cash is for dinosaurs. Order your poison on the McDs screens, it’ll be waiting for you. Many do not buy anything in the ground anymore.

Last week at Boro they must have raked in loads. Cash or cards.

Honestly, impulse buying plays a massive part in food and drink sales. When you are standing in that queue for your Bovril and someone goes past you with a pie and pint, all of a sudden the urge to get the same takes over. At Boro you get parmos, and very tasty looking chips and gravy / curry. I could really tell, but it smelt damn good. I wasn’t even hungry or thirsty, but I joined in once the aroma overcame me. How much money is our Club losing out on?

80% attendance

Regular attendance to ensure that the ground is filled isn’t necessarily a bad thing. No one wants to see an empty ground. Apparently, people are always desperate for a home ticket.

We don’t always sell out though (see above). Perhaps people are always desperate for tickets for matches they can get to. But not so always desperate on a Wednesday night in winter? Bit harsh, maybe?

Perhaps there could be a distinction between non attendance of regular fans v corporate fans? Certainly, if the West Stand does become majority corporate tickets, THAT would be interesting to see on  cold Tuesday night in November.

In the old days every seat sold was counted in the attendance records. A massive surprise in that season that West Ham fans boycotted home games, yet recorded big crowds, despite rafts of empty seats.

However, in the era of FFP, every filled seat counts. As does every shirt and other piece of tat. But then maybe if you allowed people to buy at the ticket office on the day / night, without needing a membership, it might help? Social media can quickly spread the word of seats still available. Tourists / walk ins might be useful? Better than going through a tout.

But to enforce an 80% rule is poor. What happens if you are unwell? What happens if work rings you and says you have to go in? In these times of austerity, people would struggle to say no. A season ticket is a seat purchased. End of discussion.

Email addresses

Every season ticket holder  / member needs an email address. Even if you are a member who probably doesn’t ever stick a chance of getting a ticket (home or away). Not everyone has the time or wherewithall to get on that website to get a ticket. Seriously – yes it still does happen. Especially away tickets. Regardless of age, a separate email address is needed. Even if a concerned ST parent does want a ST child to have an email address, there needs to be an email address. Why? It can only be for data harvesting.

If you are a parent and you pay for your childrens ST, is it really necessary for your children to provide a separate email address to Leeds? Evidently, it is. Despite recent concerns re on line safety in young children, that email is necessary. The digitally excluded don’t even get a nod. Apparently they don’t exist!

Know your price

With A1 / logarithms etc, knowing how much our season ticket should be easy. Each of us got sent an email, but it did not tell us how much the ST was. It’s not as if we were rocking up to the ticket office with a wad of cash, waiting for someone with a calculator to work it out. But you have to navigate that website, add a card and make a payment of £0.00 first. If you don’t like it, don’t worry the Club isn’t bothered. There’s 25k others wanting your seat. As for paying for your season ticket in cash at the ticket office…..

1st and last game loyalty

In years gone by, it used to be the case that the first and last games of the season were ring fenced for loyal fans. Loyal fans were prioritised. Seriously, this is what used to happened. The 1st and last games were always the ones that would be guaranteed sell outs, so your loyalty counted.

Loyalty

Once upon a time loyal or legacy fans were prioritised. Now, ostensibly, we are at best ignored, at worse resented, perhaps even treated with contempt. Not particularly disliked, just resented for being part of a history that isn’t relevant to current custodians, but will always be an uncomfortable reminder of what once was.

Once upon a time, our Club recognised and acknowledged that those legacy fans would be die hard enough to keep showing up, no matter how crap we played. When the average attendances plummeted after successive relegations, we stood by. Hopefully this will never be repeated. Regardless, we will still be there, whereas the one season wonders may not.

Parity

Seemingly at the Luton away game, our (current) CEO Mr Kinnear was seen handing out / offering fans tickets before the game outside Kenilworth Road. Given the tiny allocation, hardly any long standing fans actually got tickets to that game in the on line sales. But there he was, randomly handing out tickets. If those tickets were not being used, would it have been any hardship to put them back on sale on the website for loyal fans to buy and pick up on the day?

So much for the insistence that tickets should only go to people who have paid for Club membership. What happened to the rule that every ticket should be able to be traced back to it’s legal owner for safety reasons?

Again, after the Preston game, one of our owners was in Billys Bar and announced a free bar. How lucky the ones in Billys were. How unlucky the rest of us! Right time, right place? Just lucky.

Real v reality

Our Club claim that it wants Real fans. It is on the side of Real fans, because it listens to Real fans.

In that case, why in reality, is so much going on that a lot of fans are not happy with?

Well, I suppose we have finally got a yellow away shirt.

Are the “Real fans” the Club refers to, akin to the comparison drawn between astronauts like Helen Sharman and the “Real astronauts” like Katy Perry and the rest of the Entitled Smurf Space cadets?

Rich celebrities doing something, dressed up to the nines, on a big day out, just to say that they are Real and putting it on Social Media to prove that they are?

Is the gap between what the Club deem as real fans and what the actual fans are THAT big?

It’s that time of year again! Comes around quickly, doesn’t it? But yes, it’s here again!

That time of year, when there will be much heated debate amongst people who stand shoulder to shoulder with you at games. Time when the keyboard warriors will hurl insults, left, right and centre in a bid to prove they are right. A time when simple banter will become such a ferocious war of words, it will make finding the solution for World Peace a doddle.

Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. It’s season ticket renewal time!

ppp

Don’t get me wrong, most of us dread it, but equally eagerly look forward to it. Desperately, at times, anticipating the ritual that many of us have gone through for decades. Accepting, with relish to paying our annual dues to the harsh mistress that is Leeds United. Our one love who gives us so much joy, yet punishes us with so much misery.

In days gone by, you used to go to that big jar of coins that you collected over the season. More often than not, the result of emptying your pockets on a Sunday morning. Then when we got paper notes, it was coins and green / blue paper. For the tech savvy clever folk, a creation of a fund in the bank . I actually remember doing that once – a season ticket standing order! Which I emptied on the last day of the season to pay for next year. Yes, it was the last day of the season that I used to pay for it.

£££

Then came B*tes. We were skint. The football was rubbish. B*tes rubbed salt into the wound and made us pay up in January. Cold comfort at least for those loyal fans who paid £500 or £5000 for their 10 / 20 year bonds up front to help keep Leeds United afloat. Some of whom were forced from their nice seats on the half way line to make room for the B*tes corporate boxes in the Magnificent New East Stand. In exchange for them coughing up their hard earned £££ up front, they got a season ticket for 10/20 years at a cheaper rate.

By today’s standards, taking into account inflation, there would be NO One bar a small nation state who would or could, do that now. Build a new stand, I mean, not keep a club afloat! But, building a new stand by asking supporters to stump up the cash? It is never going to happen again. It would be the modern day equivalent of the Gen Z choosing between Leeds United or putting down a deposit for a mortgage. And the rest!

$$$

It’s irrelevant now, the world has changed. Football is unrecognisable nowadays. Things have moved on. Our beloved game is still about 22 men trying to stick a ball in the back of the net, but everything around it is different.

The off field activity is far more prominent now, and some would say, as much of a money spinning venture as the 90 minutes on the pitch. Yes, going / staying up is vital, but then again so is the corporate image of the global brand. Whether this will go hand in hand, and a happy, balanced partnership can be reached, is up for debate.

Take a look at the top teams in the PL. How happy are the fans? How united are the fans? No pun intended. Has the demand from the shareholders and owners got to the point where the desire of the fans been eclipsed? What do the satisfaction surveys show? Are the fans and the owners on the same page? Is the hymn sheet intact or torn into shreds?

₿₿₿

Is truly football about the fans?

Given the decision to get rid of concession ticket prices at some of the bigger PL clubs, I would say no.

https://thstofficial.com/press-release-support-our-petition-to-stop-the-erosion-of-senior-concession-tickets/

Spurs isn’t the only example of clubs refusing to have concession prices. The greed has no bounds.

Time and time again, when discussions about ticket prices come up, the Bundesliga example rears it’s head. For the PL owners, it’s an ugly head. Fancy the Germans treating its football fans better than the PL does. How dare the Bundesliga embarrass the PL by having reasonably priced tickets? The PL is the best league in the world isn’t it?

Yet it, and the British FA chooses to allow its fans to be ripped off by extortionate ticket prices, especially if you live in London. Even though the fans and the PL / FA know full well that ticket sale monies are a drop in the ocean compared to the revenue from advertising, sponsorship and TV rights.

https://thefsa.org.uk/news/fsa-writes-to-pl-calling-for-ticket-price-freeze/

As you can see, it is rampant. Thanks to FSA website for below photo.

Fairness

In our case however, some of the issues regarding season ticket pricing has been actually caused by our own fans. Our own fans who don’t accept the value of us “legacy” fans. The main reason why our season ticket prices have gone up again is because our new fans were complaining that someone sat next to them was paying less for their seat than they were. So to “equalise” this, the Club have chosen to increase our prices to appease them. Rather than saying tough to the 5,000 whingers, they chose to make the 20,000 legacy fans pay more. Reset and realign. Marching on together, further standardisation and sanitisation continues.

Robots.

For many, the word robot conjures up some man made, mechanical machine with flashing lights. Similar to 80s favourite of yesteryear, “Ready, Steady, are you set? For Metal Mickey?”

Another fave was the ever protective robot from the classic Lost In Space.

Danger Will Robinson. Yes, the photo is black and white – it’s how things were in the old days!

However, the word robot doesn’t come from some technological textbook. The origin comes from a 1920s Czech play R.U.R – Rossums Universal Robots by Karel Capek. Robot is derived from an old Church Slavic word “robota” meaning servitude, forced labour or drudgery. In the play, Rossum is a scientist who discovers how to create humanoid machines to help the whole world and mankind in general. Another scientist decides to improve on them by giving them more humanlike traits. Eventually the machines take over.

Similar to Skynet from Terminator, I suppose. I’ve ruined the plot of the play for you now, sorry.

What robot?

Why am I on about robots? Robots were just designed to do repetitive, menial tasks to make life easier and more convenient for humankind, weren’t they? Surely this is a footballing blog?

Well, for the first time ever, I was moved to agree with that goliath from the world of footballing punditry, Gary Neville. Remember him? He used to play for some insignificant football team, and now preaches about how we should behave, whilst doing the opposite thing. Qatar World Cup, Gary. Qatar.

Agreeing with the enemy.

Towards the end of some PL game on SkyTVisf**kings**t a few months ago, the home side was losing at 80 minutes. Rather than going for it and trying to get an equaliser to save face (or God forbid a win!), they just passed it around between the full backs and the goalie. Sound familiar? Nev lost his rag and started saying “just go forward and at least try to get a result” etc. etc. Finishing off his tirade with the words “they’re just like a load of robots”.

Sadly, this is the dire situation we are in. It’s not just us, most of modern football is played like it is on paper. Artificial, possession based (to the point of obsession) tippy tappy football. Plays and positions are drilled into players, replacing the vision, flair and creativity that all young footballers begin with. Basically most of PL teams do play like a load of robots.

Standardisation, sanitisation and sterilisation

I feel that these are the words which reflect the game today. Certainly at PL and EFL levels it is. I don’t watch much lower league football. Hope springs eternal that it is not going the same way though.

Everyone and everything needs to be the same, lest it be deemed an unfair advantage, or disadvantage depending on how you see it. Apart from FFP of course, which can be manipulated into anything to gain the advantage, as long as you have the right lawyers and money (Leicester City) to do so.

Standardisation.

If you look at an PL ground the dugouts basically look the same. Same seats, same layout, same coaching team, doing the same encroaching out of the area. The pitch is the same sand mass with a turf topping, sprayed extra green to look good. You have the same water sprayers, turned on at the same time in all weathers, under the same floodlights. Camera angles on the telly are identical. The wraparound stadia are practically mirror images of each other. Each carefully crafted by computer modelling, to get the best spectacle when viewed on the telly and designed for optimal ambience.

However the atmosphere at these grounds, especially when home teams are losing, is dreadful. Generally, it’s the usual suspects of Arsenal and Spurs, whose fans seem to turn on the team and manager without hesitation. Although, how many times have we in the Championship sung “Duh, duh, duh. Football in a library”? Semantics really, over the last few decades, but moreso in the last few years, the atmosphere in all grounds has deteriorated.

Sanitisation.

Basically fans are all encouraged (or influenced) to sing similar songs, to similar tunes, whichever happens to be on trend. Luckily, Marching On Together isn’t replicated anywhere else, but there’s time! We aren’t allowed to, or should I say, we are “actively discouraged” from singing about certain things or using certain language in case it offends. Football banter, in it’s purest form of spontaneous ferocity, just simply isn’t acceptable in 21st century soccer. We all have to be mindful of fans who don’t have the same mindset apparently. Not everyone can take a joke or even see things as a joke.

There’s no denying that there are some choice words heard in the stands, but the heyday of hooliganism in the 70s and 80s has long passed. Long gone are the days when what was said with discrimination and venom on the terraces, was utterly meant, and sometimes followed through after the game. We have moved on now.

But, banter isn’t banter anymore, it’s carefully researched, intensively rehearsed, scripted nonsense. Manufactured fakery at it’s best. That’s why Match of the Day is best watched on catch up, so you can fast forward and skip the punditry. Correspondingly, at least the EFL show has done away with Colin and now  just shows actual football. It’s much better that way. Cringeworthy Colin has ruined Countdown, by the way. I watch that on live pause now, so I can fast forward him and Riley’s terrible rehearsed repartee. Honestly, you can see the tumbleweeds rolling past poor Susie Dent in dictionary corner.

Sterilisation.

Undoubtedly, the future is bleak for common or garden fans but bright orange for those who want to be guaranteed the exact “immersive” experience on the box. Week in , week out, whether it’s a dull 0-0, or 7 goal bonanza, with the two hours of pre match build up but severely lacking in any decent actual commentary during the 90 minutes. Identical playing formations, uniform set pieces, analogous defending (defence) and corresponding attacking (offence). One big fat homogenous blob, with the tacky bonus of a light show if you are at Norwich or Sunderland. However, those OTT fire burners at Molyneux are toasty warm at the front of that stand in winter! Bonus.

Team full of robots

Consequently, we might as well be fielding a team full of robots.

Why? Because that is what is expected of modern football, and that is what we want, isn’t it? At least that is what they, as in PL, FL, EFL, think. (Add in the potential European Super League promoters FIFA and UEFA, and that list will read like a multinational criminal syndicate!). This, despite the fact that every player is a complete individual, and undeniably will react randomly at any given moment. They think that  observers (aka fans) deserve certainty and predictability for their money. Surely?

Choosing the robots

Consider a team full of Benders. I mean the lovable rogue, alcohol swilling, cigar smoking, “bite my shiny metal a*s”, wrong un robot from Futurama, of course.

It’d be like a team full of Klichys! Woohoo!

If you have never watched Futurama, apologies, you won’t understand the analogy. Just look at the pictures and imagine it. Bender is a robot who bends things, hence Bender. Self explanatory really. If you’ve never seen Futurama – just forget it!

Should you count replicants as robots, you could have 11 Rutger Hauers. This would technically mean a team full of Battys. Obviously Roy Batty was the name of his character in Bladerunner, not David Batty. Apologies to the film lovers reading this who know that analogy, not everyone knows Rutger Hauer was a Roy.

Robots like these would be the antitheses of the statisticians who want nice heat mapped, percentage based passing, interceptions and AI calculated xG. With these robot teams the metrics would be terrible! Not all robots can be like the NS-5s in Isaac Asimov’s classic , I, Robot. Incidentally, the Will Smith film was set in 2035, so there’s still 11 years to go for US Robotics to design and make preprogrammed, humanoid efficiency machines for the betterment of society. Hooray.

However, a team full of Benders or Battys would make great edge of your seat viewing, for those who prefer excitement and unpredictability. Otherwise known as flair, footballing knowledge and being able to read a game.

Raison D’Etre

Again, apologies to those with French O level, raison d’etre, loosely translated as “reason for being”. The message today, during the International break, is simply that I miss the old days. I hate this new modern game and I hate all the anti football commercialism that comes with it. Money, agents, corporate glad handing, advertising, gambling and shiny shinyness etc. etc.

Glory Days

I’m so lucky to have been brought up with the greats of Pele, Zico and Romario and of our own, great Don Revie side. Firstly, our Leeds United glory years, albeit on the telly / videos for me, but not for some. The names need no mention, just the word – legends. No need for expert dieticians and sports scientists for them. Two games per week, pitches like ploughed fields and tackles with actual pointy studs were swiftly dealt with, by a couple of pints and a ciggie at half time.

Secondly, what a wealth of extraordinary talent we used to see when the qualifiers were on. It used to be just midweeks and there were less countries in those days. Remember, we rarely saw foreign players on England soil, until Ossie Ardilles came to Spurs in the 70s. The likes of Cruyff, Toshack, Maradona and Platini were only seen a few times a year, and it was great! Of course, I know there were some decent German players in those days, but for obvious reasons, Rummenigge, Muller, Roth and that cheat Beckenbauer hardly deserve a mention.

Mavericks and rule breakers

They were true mavericks of the game. They didn’t play by the rules, they made them and broke them. We had them in England too, not just our own Leeds United legends, but Stan Bowles, Bobby Moore, George Best, Duncan McKenzie, Frank Worthington, Tony Currie, Charlie George, Alan Hudson, John Robertson at Forest to name but a few. There was once a quote from an old centre forward, “there’s no point running yourself ragged all day, if you are too knackered to kick the ball in the net when it comes to you”. Unpredictable and temperamental but exciting.

The advent of foreign football on the telly

Undoubtedly, we had the phenomenon of Total Football from Ajax in the Eredivise. But, through the decades we had the likes of Serie A giants Baggio, Batistuta, Pirlo, Del Piero, Totti, Maldini, Inzaghi and Costacurto. Not forgetting Cafu, Buffon, Shevchenko and Costa. Then came the La Liga, “Los Galacticos” and Barca. Money was thrown at Figo, Zidane, Ronaldo (the proper one) and Beckham by Madrid  Presidente Florentino Perez, to buy the league. FFP? Hahaha, hahaha, hahaha. Mind you, Jack Walker was doing the same for Blackburn at the time! Granted, there was already Raul and Roberto Carlos in the ranks. Barca’s answer? Ronaldinho, Deco, Eto’o, Rivaldo, Iniesta, Xavi and of course Messi, more than matched Madrid.

Maestros

All these players were / are ultimate footballers, exciting, precocious and in Messi’s case, mercurial. I’ve missed out many names, but remember, not all of the above were centre forwards. Roberto Carlos was a full back , yet his penetrating runs provided many a goal. A bit like Tony Dorigo and Mel Sterland but a tad smaller in stature, a bit more tanned, and possible slightly faster. He was also a dead ball specialist, with one of the best records for scoring from set pieces. Matched by Beckham, and our own, Ian Harte. Notwithstanding the midfield maestros (how could I forget Makelele?) and stalwart centre halfs providing immovable walls in defence.

English equivalents

Division 1 had Matt Le Tissier, Teddy Sheringham, Tony Adams, Bergkamp and Gazza. The PL had Thierry Henry, Viera, Ronaldo (the other one), bitey Suarez, Droghba, Aguero and Cesc Fabregas. We had our own too, as Cantona does kind of count. Can we forget “Yeboah, Yeboah”, “Batty’s gonna get ya” and “all we want is a team of Radebes”?

Common denominators

Undeniably, all these players have one thing in common. They are all unique. The moulds have been broken.

Admittedly they have similar certain traits but it is how they use their speed and agility, apply the expertise to read the game, and capability to play as a team and in Messi’s case, knowledge of where the two sticks are, which makes them great.

Modern football

Unfortunately, there are no such modern day equivalents. Although Messi is still kicking about somewhere in the desert. For a short time, Leeds United had Stuart Dallas – the Cookstown Cafu and of course, Kalv – the Yorkshire Pirlo and Raphinha. Things could have been so much different if Kalv had stayed, and had they not done the dirty on Bielsa.

Although, in PL recent history for a time Ward Prowse was a free kick specialist and KDB was phenomenal a few years ago. Nowadays if Grealish’s talent could be harnessed by more first team football, whilst fawning less over his highlights, there’s hope. Concurrently, there is goal scoring machine, Erling Haaland and potential in Foden at Citeh, but where else is the talent? Cole Palmer I suppose is up and coming, but there really is a paucity of sustained talent in the ranks.

The bare bones.

To strip football down to it’s bare bones, the aim is to get more goals than the other team in 90 minutes. There should be more work into how that can be achieved at Club and at league level by the scientists. Football specialists should be concentrating their efforts on improving the physical and mental aspects of the game. The evidence on the telly suggests that there are more statisticians than sports scientists. Why do we need someone to produce an algorithm, which you can look at in the build up to kick off, check at half time and then see if it was right at the end of the 90 minutes? Do the robot programmers get extra points if they predict it right?

Humans v AI

I feel flair and originality has been beaten out of the game. Individuality has been bred out of the modern game because of the incessant desperate need for some number cruncher to churn out stats about how far someone has run on the pitch and see if the computer gets it right about predicting the score from that computer robot model. I’m old school and I just don’t get it. Sorry.

The betterment of sport.

Commentators

The one group who do actually benefit from all these stats are the prematch, half time and post match commentators. Equally across all sports too, I’m guessing, but moreso with football. It isn’t just me, lots of people think that the calibre of commentary is poor. During the game on the telly, it’s not really commentary Mottie style is it? It’s just a couple of people having a chat half the time. At least in the old days it was proper audio description, so if you couldn’t see it, you knew what was going on. I’m not asking for horse racing type, second by second description, but at least some idea of what is going on. Just pretend people actually want to know what is going on, on the pitch.

Words don’t come easy

If you ever watched or listened to Jeff Stelling, Mers, Phil Thompson, Le Tissier, Charlie Nicholas and Rodney Marsh on Soccer Saturday, you know they had a certain chemistry. To be fair even James Richardson, Ally McCoist, Richard Keys and Andy Gray had a certain swagger about them. Banter was banter with them. It was just like being in a pub after the game. The art of conversation was completely mastered and in full flow, oh and by the way, this was what was happening up and down the country. They had amassed libraries of encyclopaedic footballing knowledge between that small group. Compare that to now. It’s a shadow of it’s former self, even with McInally and Paul Merson back in the frame.

This is where the magic happens

Here is where the stats come in. If you don’t really know too much about two teams and their match history, you can easily look like you do by reading through the notes given to you by the number crunching magic pixies. With the help of heat maps and percentage passes completed, you can look like you know what you are talking about. With the aid of all this AI, you can quote figures and performances as if you had sat through every game ever played. Hey presto. Mega pundit!

You could get a robot to do it.